The Good Work of Facing & Sharing Our Weakness

Faith Lessons Through Cancer

She walked up to the stairs that led to the mic briskly. She was nervous, not for all the reasons people are usually nervous when they are in front of a crowd. Instead, her mind was full of self-talk that sounded a lot like an aerobics instructor, “Lead with your left leg”, “Slow and steady”, “One leg at a time” and finally, “Ok, good job, you’re done with the hard part.” A sigh of relief pushed through her lips; she hadn’t stumbled in front of everyone as she had feared. A few strides later, she was facing the mic. She took a deep breath reminding herself that the most important aspect of this moment were the words she was about to read. She pushed away anxious thoughts about navigating the same stairs on the way back to her seat. She said a quick prayer in her mind “Let us understand these words as You intended Lord” and began to read. There was a hint of a smile as memories of these verses read in different circumstances across the years came to mind. As she finished and turned from the podium, the worship leader’s sturdy frame moved into view and he offered her his arm. This simple gesture felt like a bear hug in her heart. She gladly took it, walking down the stairs assuredly because of the aid offered on toward the row where her husband and children sat grinning. As the music began and the voices rose together, tears came to her eyes. Her heart pounded with love for this body of believers. Her youngest asked her if the tears were happy tears, and she smiled and nodded. “Because he helped you, Momma?” she said. “Yes, because he helped me when I was weak.” She whispered. Her husband instinctively knew she would be anxious about walking down the stairs with her still healing, weak leg. He had asked the worship leader to help support her. It was a simple act of service between a brother and sister in Christ made possible because he knew her weakness.

Parents are in the business of protecting their kids. We pull them close or push them out of harm’s way. We want them to know that they are safe, and not feel anxious. Sometimes, we think it is our job to protect them from things about ourselves. One of those things is our own weaknesses. Displaying our weaknesses won’t undermine our authority, upend their world so they feel unsafe or cause them to worry. Rather, the knowledge of our limitedness, when framed well, helps point our children to where our true security is found. Who sustains, upholds, and is always faithful? It’s not mom and dad, it’s Jesus. We get to declare, “Look at how mighty Jesus is in my weakness!”

Before we can get to a place of boasting in our weakness to call attention to God, we need to stop avoiding our weakness. Avoidance can look like plain old denial or it can be found in the defeatist attitude of “I just can’t do it!” It’s not that this thought is wrong, but that it is often incomplete. It takes true courage to come face to face with our weaknesses, naming them accurately. The first question we ask ourselves is whether we cannot actually do it? There will situations when this is literally true. We have sincerely lost an ability or a resource that was formerly at our disposal. If we find ourselves in this position, the role of lament is integral for our healing, and acceptance of this loss. (This post may help with that). The other possibility is that we need to finish our incomplete thought when we grumble in exasperation, “I just can’t do it!” Name your full frustration and the need that accompanies it.

• I just can’t do it… alone. Do I need to ask for help?

• I just can’t do it…now. Is my weakness temporary, and am I being impatiently ungracious with my God given current limitations? Do I need rest and to try again later today or tomorrow?

• I just can’t do it…without making mistakes. Do I need to be okay with being a beginner?

• I just can’t do it…the way I want to. Do I need to try to be flexible with my plan A and try God’s plan B, C, or Z? Is there something I’m missing that hearing another perspective would be beneficial?

• I just can’t do it…without feeling upset. Do I need to lament the sincere grief/loss I have experienced before continuing with today’s next steps?

When we grant others (including our children) access to our weaknesses and are honest about it inwardly it changes us and our relationships. We begin by feeling like something was stolen from us. The loss overwhelms us. We wrestle with the truth about our weakness before God. What if we saw weakness not just as loss, but as the creation of possible opportunity? With time, we can come to see a weakness as a gift because of the opportunities it creates. First, it provides an opportunity for us, personally, and with our children to run to the sure foundation, Jesus himself. We have the high privilege of casting our burdens on Jesus and relying on Him for strength together as a family.

Internally, when I confronted my weakness and admitted my neediness, my faith in God increased because I had a more accurate picture of myself. During this time of suffering, my physical weaknesses became a daily metaphor of my spiritual weaknesses. Like my leg, portions of my heart needed radical amputation, replacement, healing, and rehab. Matthew 5:3 states “blessed are the poor in spirit”. A former pastor of mine, Keith Doyle, once explained it this way in a sermon, “Blessed are those who realize they are spiritually bankrupt.” God had used my physical reality as a sort of living parable in my life. Daily, it was etched on my heart that it wasn’t just my physical body that needed renovation. When I was physically weak, God reminded me that physical fortitude was good, but spiritual fortitude was better. I needed God’s gospel promises to produce something in me that was spiritually sound. I had no resources to do it on my own.

Second, showing others our weakness gives others an opportunity to do in love what we cannot do for ourselves. We get to be one-anothered. Our kids get a picture of what the church (themselves included) looks like when our weaknesses aren’t hidden. It’s like our life is a picture book and they get to see how the Author transforms hard things into an opportunity for loving fellowship between brothers and sisters in Christ.

Paul boasts in his weakness because it one of the ways Christ’s power is displayed in him. How is Christ’s power perfected in our weakness? Could it be that we get to put the power of Jesus on display communally? Often, we look at verses through the lens of what they have to say about us as an individual. When I boast in my weakness as Paul did, I can magnify God’s grace and power in my life. Jeremiah 9:23 & 24 declares that our boasting should be “in the Lord” and nothing else. My physical limitations highlight God’s limitlessness. All my weaknesses further highlight His perfect attributes. My limited body is an exhibition of these truths: We are debilitatingly weak and when we are, He is tenaciously strong. My weakness displayed God’s glory. My weakness broadcasts to my heart the necessity for God dependence, participation in true fellowship, an honest look at my spiritual limitations and His limitlessness. This is the good work of weakness. May it keep driving me to Him, others to Him and all of us toward the good work of one-anothering.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Lament is Greater than Grief

Faith Lessons Through Cancer

A Picture of Grief

I woke up each morning and for just a moment, I had forgotten. Then, the realization came that I was still sporting the fresh stitches from my surgery, the lack of mobility to rise out of bed and walk, and the nausea and fatigue that would come on and off all day. This is where the dread sunk in. It was another day of life with osteosarcoma. I would recite positive words in my mind like you can do this, just one step at a time, you only need to focus on the next five minutes. Day after day this occurred. All that positivity seemed to echo back hollow, at first, and then, later, with rather rude retorts to myself like I don’t actually think I CAN do this, I’m tired of trying to be so hyper vigilant to take literal steps, the next five minutes are so hard, I’m tired of everything being so hard! At some point all the positive thinking in the world may be helpful, but it isn’t enough.

At the same time, I was experiencing intense loneliness. I was alone at home, unable to drive anywhere, even when I did have a good day. While, I understand that it was a gift to have that time to rest and heal, my reality was also consistent isolation while my kids attended school, my husband went to work and when I was frequently in the hospital. I sat for hours with extreme exhaustion, occasionally attending to little household tasks. In addition, my kids, in love, at times, were hesitant to engage with me because they’d try not to hinder my sleep or rest. They just wanted “mama to get better.” Gone were the days of sweet, carefree, childlike physical affection without hesitancy. I regularly assured them I wanted them in my arms always, even if I did need rest. The companionship of my dog was a comfort, and when my immune system allowed it, the occasional company of friends was too. Despite those, the loneliness remained.

Day after day followed this routine of realization, dread, get up, eat a few crackers to curb the nausea, take a few pills to curb the side effects of chemo, see the kids off to school, try to eat some broth with rice, take more meds, sleep a few hours, change a load of laundry, try to eat another broth and rice, take an afternoon nap getting up before the kids came home so I could welcome them, help them with home work if they needed it, throw a prepared (by generous friends from church and school) meal in the oven, while everyone else ate I’d try another bowl of broth and rice, stay up to kiss the kids goodnight, take more meds and go to bed when the kids did before starting this all over again. During all of this, I was laying with my leg up on the couch, reclining chair on the porch or on my bed. I tried to be as close to my family as possible. This is what a good day looked like. There were many bad days. Those included days where I could only stay in my bed or days when I was re-hospitalized because my body was shutting down from the chemo.

This disconnection, the monotony and the physical suffering wore on me. I felt raw and vulnerable like incision on my leg. Soon, this routine was interrupted with a new element. After my husband and children went off to work and school, I would sit on my 3-season porch, looking out at the beauty in our backyard, and simply cry. I didn’t really have the words to describe why except that I was experiencing deep melancholy. Sometimes, it was for 5 minutes, at other times an hour. I tried writing to process through my feelings, but soon the chemo would make my mind fuzzy. It became difficult to write cohesive paragraphs. I attempted reading the Bible in the ways I used to, deep diving for intense study, but my mind was not capable. I got confused and forgot ideas easily. I struggled praying, but I got lost in quiet, circular arguments about God’s sovereignty and my spiritual need/wants/responsibilities in my mind. What was the right thing to pray in my circumstances? I would weep until I fell asleep. I’d often wake up feeling guilty for crying.

Why Lament is Better

One morning during that intense sadness, I recalled a study by She Reads Truth on the minor prophets. I had completed it with a handful of friends the previous fall. I had gained a better understanding of lament in this study even though it was not the focus of it. God’s people had cried out because of injustice, sin or evil (their own and others), corruption, illness and so much more. My morning routine of grieving allowed me to show my feelings over the distress of my suffering, but this was a limited healing. Grieving allows us to admit the truth of our circumstances and how they are effecting us. This honesty is essential for healing, but for the Christian it will never be enough. It will begin to feel empty after a time because we were made for more. We were made for intimate communication with God.

Let’s delve into the examples of the process of lament illustrated in the Psalms to gain a clearer picture of it. The Psalmists come before God and acknowledge their pain. Psalm 6 says, “I am weary with moaning, every night I flood my bed with tears” and in Psalm 77, the author is “so troubled” he “cannot speak”. These Psalms demonstrate emotional distress. Psalm 35 shares unjust relational hardship where “without cause, they hid their net for me” and how “malicious witnesses rise up” against the psalmist. These Psalmists name a couple of the many types of anguish in their personal torment before God in prayer. Here is the first way in which lament separates itself from grief: lament allows us to cry out to Someone who is always present and listening. This is an implied truth because why would you cry out like the Psalmist, if you didn’t believe someone was listening? Scripture supports this truth in many verses (Psalm 139:7&18; Psalm 46:1; Psalm 116:1).

Within this process of lament there is also the repetition of the phrase “How long O Lord” many times (Psalm 6, 13, 35, 79, 80, 89, 90, 94). The authors are questioning God and often end up asking for help. They are bringing their doubts, complaints, and earthly understanding before God. What an incredible gift that we, too, can come to a big God that can handle all our big emotions, all our less than perfect thinking and all our distrust of Him. The second manner in which lament separates itself from grief is that lament allows us to cry out to Someone who has a greater understanding of our pain and circumstances than we do and can do something about it.

It’s important to note that the Psalmists don’t remain in that space of questioning. This doesn’t mean lament isn’t cyclical, that we don’t come back to the questions we have for God. Surely, it is like so many other aspects of the Christian life (repentance and sanctification to name a couple). It’s this next step in the process of lament that most greatly separates itself from simply grieving. The Psalmists declare the truth of God’s goodness, sovereignty, and many of His other attributes. They remember out loud the Someone who has proven His trustworthiness. They conclude their lament reminding themselves that God is who He says He is. Psalm 77 says, “I will remember the deeds of the Lord, yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God?” before listing the many wonders that God performed for Israel. Psalm 46 has a similar list. The Psalmist in chapter 13 declares that despite his circumstances, he “trusted in” God’s “steadfast love”. The writer of Psalm 73 pens that God holds his “right hand” and guides him with His “counsel”.

A New Spiritual Practice

This is what I began to practice on my porch after the kids and my husband left for the day. I looked out at the beauty made by my powerful God in my back yard and I wailed before Him. I described to Him my pain vividly. I anguished over my doubts and lack of understanding before Him. I professed my desire to keep loving Him deeply but was honest about how very hard that was right now. He proved Himself faithful by constantly bringing scripture to my mind concerning His faithful, majestic personhood. Day by day, what I knew in my head began to strengthen in my heart. God was still good in my ugly, painful circumstances. God was still with me listening and loving me. Sometimes, those verses were comfort, sometimes those verses were a correction of wrong thinking that didn’t align with scripture, sometimes those verses were a caution of behavior or a heart attitude that was headed in an unhealthy direction and sometimes those verses were a resounding, “Yes! Christina, that is who I am. Don’t forget!”

After a time, lament saved me from bitterness, unbelief, and despair because it made me run to The Only True God. This is everything! This is ultimate necessity for all people: admit that we need someone greater than ourselves. In all situations, He is the greatest resource that we could prioritize. We all needed to run to the One who is enough. This is what we do when we participate in lament. We cry out about our grief in a demonstrative way to God Himself. We declare to Him our pain, our needs. We unload all our big emotions and confusion. The biggest difference between grief and lament is that we are acknowledging God’s presence, power and faithfulness. Our God is here. Our God hears. Our God is dependable. This means that we are truly not alone in our loneliness as we suffer. When we cry out, we are always communicating with someone, the biggest Someone who cares.

Practicing Lament in Your Life

Are you grieving today?

1. Cry out to God explicitly describing all elements of your hardship.

2. Cry out to God explaining all your emotions, doubts, and confusion...

   …and then ask God for help.

3. Remember and declare who God is and has been both personally to you and broadly to all believers.

   • Sometimes this will look like humbly begging God to help you to remember first because in the stubbornness of our hearts, we won’t want to.

   • Closely related to this is practicing thanksgiving. It was at about this same time in processing my daily lament that God convicted me of my need to regularly practice thanksgiving. This is where The “Good and Perfect” List (posted on my Instagram on Monday’s) had its roots.

   • I have found it helpful to recite creeds (like the Nicene) or St. Patrick’s breastplate or listen to worship music that is descriptive of who God is and what He has done when I struggle to remember.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Diagnosis: Limited

Faith Lessons Through Cancer

Waiting for the Diagnosis

It had been months. Within those months was increasing knee pain, hobbling about on crutches, an x-ray that detected a mass, an MRI that clarified the size of the mass and identified a fracture, a biopsy that was inconclusive, another biopsy that confirmed malignancy, a PET scan that confirmed the malignancy was localized and not widespread, a surgery where a portion of my femur was resected and replaced with steel and new knee components, and a full pathology performed on the resected bone.

I, finally, had an answer: osteosarcoma. It’s most commonly found in teens and young adults. I was 42.

I would be lying if I said the waiting wasn’t difficult. It was over two months until we really knew what to call what was wrong with my body. Some procedures revealed more anxiety than others. Those months stretched out laboriously. Life kept plugging along. My four kids were ending their school year. The summer slow-down that I longed for was just beginning. I was on crutches for the pain, to avoid putting weight on my already weak and fractured femur. All my responsibilities were more physically difficult to navigate.  I didn’t make any new plans for the second half of the summer because there were too many unknowns. Would I be recovering from surgery? Would I be beginning chemo? Would I be able to drive?

Answers = More Questions & Turmoil

It is was a privilege to have good health care at one of the leading teaching hospitals in the nation where I received a reliable diagnosis. I wanted to be thankful. I cried, overwhelmed, when I heard the words “bone cancer.” I wondered “How am I going to handle that?”, “How are we going to tell the kids?” and “Lord, please don’t let this pull them away from you.” It was good to have answers. It was also true that this big answer carried with it many more questions. I wept over and over as I shared these concerns with my husband. This was the state of my mind: a ping pong match between the pros and cons of my situation.

Our home was filled with sobbing and questions for weeks. We lived daily life like everyone else. Our days were also strewn with extra cuddles, back rubs and melancholy. I tried to answer what questions I could. There were many I couldn’t answer. Some answers alluded me because, I’m not an oncologist. Other answers were hard to come by because I needed to wrestle with them before God first. I often responded, numbly, with an “I’m not sure yet, but we’ll figure it out.” This answer was honest but felt lame.

One day, in exasperation and then defeat, I responded to all the questioning with, “Sometimes, Momma just doesn’t know, guys. I’m a human with limits…not…not a superhero!” As the words choppily spurt out of my mouth, I immediately remembered studying the incommunicable attributes of God (these are the ways we can’t be like Him) and that He was limitless. I continued in a more patient tone of voice, hoping to turn the conversation around, “…but do you know who is not limited? In fact, He is limitless?”

Head: What I Needed to Remember

All four kids paused and simultaneously exclaimed, “God!” Their response reverberated off the walls of my heart. Yes. God, Christina. He is not limited. You have always been limited, not just now. Remember.

I took a deep breath and explained to them that in the middle of this hard time we were going to go to the God of no limits together. I assured them that they could always come to Daddy and me but there would be a lot of times when the best thing we could do is spend time with God. We were going to continue to talk to Him when we didn’t understand, when we were sad or happy. We were going to keep worshipping Him and learning from Him. He was our biggest and best resource in all conditions.

Heart: Change Made Possible by God’s Prompting

When the kids were tucked in bed, I thought through my day, as usual, and that conversation. I considered my own inner turmoil about my cancer. I felt weak, helpless, and particularly needy. I asked all the why questions, again. This cancer was going to be tough physically, but the spiritual component was going to be just as strenuous. The words I had read from Jennifer Dukes Lee on Instagram came to mind “Sometimes surrendering to God will require you to do the hardest work you’ve ever done in your life: take in another foster child, fight for your marriage, kick cancer where the sun don’t shine, or refuse to capitulate to the persistent drubbing from Satan.” The last two items on her list sunk in. That was me. Reflecting on that quote, I later wrote about how we often view surrender to God. Surrender was not reluctantly giving in. It was not giving up on God and His ways in all my circumstances. His ways looked a lot like being honest about who I am and who He is. Later, I wrote about Luke 10:27, “Loving God with all my heart, soul and strength is taking on a new meaning to me. This is going to take a warrior mentality in my heart, mind, and body. I must fight hard to love Him well.” This surrender was going to be a daily battle.

Immediately, I closed my eyes, and I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed. At first, it was a simple prayer, “Your will be done.” If God thought cancer was the best circumstance to make me like Jesus. So be it. I wanted to surrender to His ways even when I didn’t understand, and certainly, when I didn’t like it. I was quiet as the tears flowed. Then in my normal kind of conversational way, I chatted with God and let Him know I needed a few things from Him. I asked Him to make me run to Him because I knew I would be tempted to wander away when things got harder. I also pleaded with Him to help me to have a fighting spirit because I knew I would want to give up. At the end, I asked Him to use my circumstances for His glory. At this point, I was exhausted, but very much at peace and slept soundly.

The Spiritual Cure for Self-Dependence

God had used my inability to answer my children’s questions to remind me of my limitedness and His limitlessness. Like the Psalmist, I knew that God Himself is enough. He would be “my portion” and “the strength” of my inner person (73:26). This pushed me to cling to God and encourage my kids to do the same. My time with God in prayer caused me to surrender all that my cancer is and will be to Him and to fight with His enabling strength. Within those circumstances God had given me a way to move forward. How would I handle cancer?  I would run to Him and keep remembering who He is. I would keep a battle mindset. I would surrender to Him my limitedness. This was important because I was only beginning to see just how physically limited, I would be.

While my doctors had given me a physical diagnosis of osteosarcoma, my spiritual diagnosis was prideful self-reliance that thought I could handle this on my own. Facing cancer was going to take deep dependence on God. That deep dependence wouldn’t be possible unless I was straightforward about what I was or was not capable of both physically and spiritually.  Remembering who God is was the best place I could start.  It was a foundational lens for how I should look at all aspects of myself. I was limited. God was limitless. He could be depended on when my body would fail me.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

I Am My Mothers' Daughter

I Am My Mothers’ Daughter

(This poem is for my daughter, who doesn’t look like me, but takes after me in all the ways that matter most. May all my children grow to know and appreciate all the mothers in their life who love them well, parent them in some way and influence them for good. May they “rise up and call her blessed”).

“She is her mother’s daughter.”(apostrophe “s”)

I have often heard this refrain as others comment on her eyes,
her hair or her curvy shape.

Sheepishly, I admit that I roll my eyes like
a teenager knowing this is not what matters most---those who have mothered me, often
look nothing like me

if the condition is only looking on the
outside.

But they are right, “I am my mothers’ daughter,” (“s” apostrophe)

if they dare to look deeper:

I am learning that my children are lent to me and am pushing them

toward what is best for them
like my first mama did

even if it doesn’t include me.

I am sharing the appreciation of the beauty

of notes and rhythms, of different styles of music
as we slide on a record and dance in the kitchen or

lean into each other as the day closes

legs up & eyes closed letting the truth we find in lyrics wash over us

belting out our favorites. I am teaching gratitude for growing
things as we cultivate

the earth, watching for it to bring forth green, flowering, fruitful things---

remembering that we are what needs to keep growing most.
These are things I learned from the Momma who bore me in her heart and not her
belly.

The middle school pal, who knew little of motherhood

except what her own fierce mother taught her. She told the secret that weighed me down with shame to save me despite my unkindness towards her.

I am always carrying her act of sacrificial love as uncomfortable but needed grace.

I’m sorry that it took becoming a grown-up to realize that sincere friends mother us too as they do what is for our good.

My closest college friends did the same—love me well in hard times.

I’ve loved even when it is uncomfortable because of all of them.

I am learning to steward what God has given me in this life well

living out a generous heart with others, like my college buddy’s mom

who treated a lonely, grieving college student like she was her own daughter, including her on school breaks and enabling her to go on holiday for the first time in a foreign country.

The female professors, childhood teachers and coaches that

shared their knowledge, imparted skills
pushed me to push myself

but were also gracious, I see your imprint on my life,
the ways I live it. I don’t give up and am a life-long learner because of
you.

The women in the churches or fellow mama friends I have been a part of (especially BBC, NSCB, Cornerstone)

helped me grow in my faith.

I have learned to love God and others as I sat
in your Sunday school classes/youth group/Bible studies, been prayed for or
with, babysat/taught your children, was invited to your homes, received home
cooked meals, learned from leading or being served and bearing one another’s
burdens.

You have taught me to take an honest look at my sin, be truthful about
my pain, lay everything at the feet of Jesus, live a life that is changed by Him,
be thankful for my salvation, and remember the hope of a future in Him.

I am mastering inviting like Grammie E,

who opened her home and heart without delay to the stranger, sharing
the lovely and painful parts of her story. Later, her invitations included visits
to a new state and grand, first time adventures abroad. She is Grammie now but truly
was a mom on weekends once where a little girl felt safe as she played in
water, counted coins and was rocked in her loving arms.

She includes and enjoys breaking the stereotypes of mothers-in-law.

From the family Christmas party where she threw together an ornament with a celebrity that resembled me (stillmakes me chuckle) so that I didn’t feel left out

to the many chats around delicious cheese platters (with a delightful glass of wine in hand)

to playing at the beach with grandchildren, imparting to me that love looks like making people
feel like they are part of your crowd and enjoying them when you are together.

She’s been coming along side me since we first met a second Mother-in-law (another stereotype
breaker)

to check on me, to answer my questions when I seek advice, to help
me when I was physically and emotionally weak, to work with our hands on
projects. She’s taught me that together is a side by side kind of endeavor where
no one is better or less than. It’s a love that is a humble linking of arms, that
asserts that we are collectively stronger. It’s a love that isn’t afraid of working
hard for others in very practical ways. Her mothering has always been “hands on.”

So, maybe, it’s true,

I am my mothers’ daughter (“s” apostrophe)

all of them and
you are too.

(Take some time to name the women who have mothered you well over the years in the comments below.)

Help! How Do I Practice Patience With My Kid?

Discerning Our Kids’ Needs Series

Today, we wrap up our Discerning What Our Kids Need through 1 Thessalonians 5:14 series. Up until this point in the series, we have walked through a starting point for discerning what our kids need, how to warn our unruly kids, how to comfort our discouraged kids and how to support our weak kids. Now, we will bind all of those responses to our kids’ needs in a blanket of patience. As our verse says, “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the faint hearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”

How exactly can we be patient with all people? Let’s wade deeper into this concept of patience. When we look at the Greek, we see that the root of this verb has the idea of being long spirited or not losing heart. It is then defined as forbearing (to bear with), long suffering, and has the idea of persevering or endurance and bravery within it. It is found a few times within the New Testament as it used in descriptions of what our conduct should look like and what God’s character is. It should also be noted that if we further mine this word, it can mean to be patient in the face of something, like troubles or being provoked. Additionally, the phrase “with them all” has the idea of everyone/anyone individually. This means there is in inequity in who we are to exhibit patience toward.

1 Corinthians 13:4

Overview

This is, likely, the most familiar passage to most of us regarding patience. Chapter 13 is often called the love chapter. While many recite it at weddings, it was first meant as instruction from Paul to the church at Corinth. There were relational struggles within the church of quarrels and resulting division. The entire chapter outlines what love truly looks like. Another way we could say this is that as a Fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22-23, the fruit of love will taste like each of the descriptions listed in this chapter. For the purposes of our study, verse 4, states that “love is patient.” Our world is constantly defining and redefining love. Our Heavenly Father gives us a clear picture of how the sweet aroma and flavor of love should be experienced by others, and one of those flavor notes is patience which is a Fruit of the Spirit itself. Don’t miss that this description of love was perfectly lived out by Jesus Himself. Therefore, Jesus was perfectly patient.

Take Aways

· Love looks like patience.

· Patience (the noun version of the same word we are studying) is a Fruit of the Spirit.

· One way our love can be experienced by others is practicing patience.

· The definition of love includes patience.

2 Peter 3:9

Overview

This verse states, “The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” In the larger context, this is Peter’s second letter to the churches. In this letter, he addresses issues of Christian living which include, being on guard against false teachers, some of whom denied the coming of the Day of the Lord. Peter defends Christ’s promise to return, explaining with a bit of an admonishment or correction that God’s timeline is not ours. What the church falsely saw as slowness or dare I say, God taking too long, was God’s patience towards the unrepentant. God desired to save sinners, and He would wait until all had been reached.

Take Aways

· God is patient with the unrepentant, perfectly so.

· At the heart of God’s patience is a desire for mankind to not have to experience the penalty of sin, which is death.

· God’s forbearance with unrepentant is motivated by desiring gospel informed repentance.

· Remember that the unrepentant are those who are hostile to God, those who don’t believe Him, those who provoke Him with their disbelief.

Some Other Considerations:

· When it comes to patience, at the heart of this word is the idea of endurance. We begin to see that living out this kind of patience involves the character trait of self-control (a Fruit of the Spirit).

· Patience is displayed when we exhibit that self-control as responders vs. reactors. Consider for a moment the role of a first responder vs. a volcanic eruption as an illustration. A first responder acquires knowledge and skills on how to respond to varying emergency circumstances. The first responder then takes that knowledge and those skills and applies them on the spot after a quick analysis of the situation set before them. As time goes on, their responses become habits as they gain experience. There will always be times when an emergency is more complex, but for the most part, they come to know by heart and act with confidence to get the situation to a place of stability. The result is that those involved are helped in some way. A volcano on the other hand only needs the right circumstances and it will erupt. There will be signs that the eruption is inevitable, like emission of gas and steam, magma rising and tremors. Eventually, there is the point of no return where lava pours forth, smoke plumes out and then the ash weighs on everything that surrounds it like a heavy blanket of grey. The result is great harm to anything within its reach. Whatever it touches is harmed in some way.

· Unfortunately, when we react, and don’t respond, what explodes out of us is unrighteous anger. Sometimes, we minimize this and call it being annoyed or irritated, but these are just synonyms for varying forms of anger.

· This means that the opposite of patience is unrighteous anger. If we are looking to put off unrighteous anger or impatience, we need a heart transplant. Our heart of unrighteous anger and impatience needs to be replaced with longsuffering that is self-controlled even in the face of provocation.

Evaluating Our Parenting Attitude

1. As you asses your child’s needs, warn, comfort and support your children is your attitude one of love that overflows in not losing heart?

2. Is your practice of patience in your home equally exercised with all your children? Or are you more patient with some children than others?

3. Does your patience flow from a heart of courage or bravery?

4. Is your correction, especially in the case of warning your child, motivated by a deep heart desire for your child to live gospel I informed repentance that leads him/or to salvation or sanctifying growth?

5. Does the growing patience in your heart give you the heart perspective that all the needs in this series are opportunities to preach the gospel to your children desiring that none should perish?

6. Is your heart growing in love and self-control (all part of the Fruit of the Spirit) as it informs your patience? Is your love and self-control strengthening your forbearance?

7. Is your heart attitude one that look at your kids’ needs as a hindrance in your going about your day or privilege to be a part of God’s plan to disciple your child?

Evaluating Our Parenting Method

1. As you asses your child’s needs, warn, comfort and support your children do you bear up when they display provoking or hostile behaviors & heart attitudes?

2. While assessing your child’s needs, warning, comforting, and supporting your children, when they sin against you or others in your home and have an unrepentant heart are you long suffering like our Savior?

3. Does your warning, comforting, and supporting of your unruly, discouraged or weak child regularly include presentation of specific gospel truths or the gospel itself?

4. Are you a biblical “first responder” or “eruptor” when it comes to the circumstances of assessing your children’s needs or warning, encouraging, and supporting your children?

5. Does your addressing your children’s needs look like unrighteous anger, annoyance, or irritation?

Bringing it Home: From Mind to Heart to Home

· What has God put on your heart as you have learned what His word states about practicing patience with your children and others in your greater believing community when they need to be warned, encouraged or supported? What has God laid on your heart in your self-evaluation of your parenting attitudes and methods when it comes to patience? Spend some time in prayer considering these two questions. Psalm 139:23-24 might be helpful to pray through:

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

· After, I read through the verses about patience, I was overwhelmed by God’s patience for us as sinners. Before I was a believer, I know I was hostile to God, and even after salvation, there are so many moments when His ways irritate me, but He patiently teaches and pursues me through His word, His people and His plan (the circumstances of my life) to keep at His good work in me and my children.

· God calls us to be long suffering with our children. He has given you everything you need in His word, through prayer and His enabling to, in patience, disciple your child well in all circumstances no matter what their needs may be.

· In the next week, try some of the following ideas to grow in patience as you discover and address your child’s needs. What follows are ideas on strengthening your patience before, during and after:

• Before:

  • Pray for compassion and gentleness as you speak the truth in love. Pray for understanding and discernment concerning your child’s needs. Pray that God will give you a heart of service, self-control, and love as you interact with your child.

  • Find a key Bible verse or two to pray through before or write it down to refer to during your interactions with serving your child. Some ideas are: Romans 12:12, Colossians 3:12 & Ephesians 4:2-3.

  • Consider listening to a song if you need encouragement:

· To have a heart of love as you serve in your home: Love Like Jesus by The Rhett Walker Band

· If you are weary from repetitively dealing with your child’s struggle : My Prayer for You by Alisa Turner

· If you are struggling to trust God and His ways: Perfect Wisdom of Our God by Keith & Kristyn Getty

• During:

  • Begin your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller), holding their hand, putting an arm around them as you talk with them. Create an atmosphere of intimacy and care. (If your child has different needs when it comes to physical touch, think on how they receive love well, and express it in that manner).

  • Pray with your child before you address their need and ask God to help you with your temptation to be impatient/irritated/annoyed. Let your child see your neediness before God as well. Doing this before your pray for their struggle is the best way to start your prayer time as you are modeling going before God with humility. Thank God for the saving and sanctifying work in both of you.

  • Encourage your child to practice patience too as you both work through talking through their need. Here is a favorite song of ours. We often sing the chorus to each other as a gentle reminder:

    • Have Patience (This is a cartoon episode where the Music Machine teaches the Fruit of the Spirit to children. Fast forward to 9:40 to only hear the song on patience.)

  • While you work through the process of discerning and addressing your kids’ needs outlined in this series’ previous posts, keep your key verse at hand, referring to it when you are struggling to remain calm and have a gentle serving heart.

  • If you are still struggling with patience, honestly and simply explain to your child that you are going to step away for a moment to ask God for help in prayer. Here is a prayer you can recite if you can’t find your own words:

    • Lord, change my heart. I do not want to help my child in the ways that you have clearly outlined in your word. I am struggling with anger/I am struggling with being inconvenienced and wanting to follow my plan for my day/I am struggling with weariness in addressing this need repetitively/ I am struggling with__________________. You promise to be strong in my weakness. Please strengthen my patience so that it looks like love and self-control. As I try to be patient help me remember Your patience with me, that Your sovereign plan for my day is to serve my children in their needs and in doing so grow my own faith as I obey You. Thank you for dying for my sin of impatience. May I live out a heart of gratitude to be a part of your plan to show Christ to my children in this situation today.

  • Return when you are calm begin again or continue from where you left off. Thank your child for being patient with you when you left.

  • End your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller) and giving them a big hug.

• After:

  • Do a self-check from time to time: think through how you are doing in the realm of practicing patience.

  • If you begin to realize this a regular struggle for you, consider:

    • keeping a journal to record your moments of weakness in this area and gain a better understanding of the circumstances where this struggle often arises.

    • Ask your spouse or a close friend if they can pray for you in this area of struggle. Pray with your family about it regularly.

    • Find an accountability partner to check in regularly with to aid in further growth in this area.

  • Praise God for His work in you when you see growth in practicing patience. Involve your family and believing friends into this praise.

  • Repetition is a huge part of the life of a growing believer. Expect to go through this process more than once.

This concludes the Discerning Our Kids’ Need Series in the Biblical Topics Toolkit. Within those five posts we addressed how we can Biblically discern our kids’ needs, warn our unruly child, encouraged our fainthearted child, support our weak child and all while growing in patience.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon); https://sciencing.com/early-signs-volcano-going-erupt-8013792.html.

Grow In Love

What is The Root of Parenting Well?

What Little Eyes See

Each day our children are watching us. We see it in the silly ways they mimic us in word or actions. Social media is full of recorded moments where little children copy what their parents say or do. I recall when my second oldest was in her early elementary years, she had picked up a new phrase and I mentioned it to a close mom friend of mine. I giggled over the fact that she started so many sentences with this phrase. Like Oscar in The Office she would state, “Actually” before affirming something she knew. However, she was beginning to overuse it. My friend looked at me and asserted, “Well, you know she gets that from, right?” implying that I said this phrase all the time. I looked at her incredulously. Did I really say this all the time too? I honestly didn’t recall using that word a lot. Like so many other times when something is brought to our attention for the first time, I couldn’t unsee or in my case unhear that word. I suddenly heard myself saying it ALL OF THE TIME. How had I not noticed this before? My daughter had caught my example of language and was using it.

We often think that the most effective tool in our parenting is our teaching as we prepare devotionals, lessons, correct wrong thinking with God’s word and recite gospel’s truths. Indeed, they are very good things. What is better is our example. This is what sticks in our kids’ hearts and minds. However, what occurs when our example is not wrapped in our love of God? Our greatest tool in our parenting toolbox is the way we live out our love for God before our children. If I want to teach my child about forgiveness, I must be forgiving. If I want to teach my child about worshipping, I must worship. If I want my child to learn how to read the Bible, I must be a regular reader of the Bible. If I want all that my child is to be rooted in loving God, I must love God. If we don’t live out our love to God, we are a clanging gong. Whatever we are doing each day will be a picture to our children of what it looks like to love God and others. It will be their example of how to live a Godward life. That growing love for God will enable us to parent well because from it will pour love for our children.

The Example of Our Good Father

Maybe, like me, this thought feels overwhelming to you, a weighty task to be the first and most influential example of faith in the life of your child. After all, the greatest commandment is “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength,” and  a close second is “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:30-31). More specifically, we are urged to love our children (Titus 2:4). How exactly do we faithfully show our kids that when we know, as sinners ourselves, we can be such poor examples of love? There is hope! We have a faithful example of parenting in our Good Father who calls us sons and daughters. He lives out true love. When we “set the Lord always before us” (Psalm 16:8) we see His picture-perfect model of parenting that balances love, discipline, compassion, correction and so much more. Setting the Lord before us is all about pursuit and intentionality. It is a chasing after God. It is remembering that God is always in the room with us, that is both our comforter and a form of accountability.

The Example of Other Believers

We also find hope and encouragement in the example of other believers who “spur us on to love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24). These models of faith can be current individuals in our lives or those from the past. One such believer is Elizabeth Prentiss who was an author, wife, daughter of a pastor and mother. She was very sickly for most of her life. After losing her two children, she wrote the familiar hymn, “More Love to Thee, O Christ!” Verse 1 states, “More love, to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee! Here Thou the prayer I make on bended knee. This is my earnest plea: More love O Christ, to Thee; more love to Thee, more love to Thee!” The verses that follow speak of how she pursued the wrong things and how hard circumstances do good work in our hearts. We, also, see her dependence on God as she calls on Him in prayer. In other writings she expresses that she knew her children were “lent” to her by God and that

“God will never place us in any position in which we cannot grow. We may fancy that that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps, in our time of humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress.”

Elizabeth knew that her children are ultimately not her own, but God’s. She knows that her circumstances, whatever they may be, are appointed to her by God for her good. Most importantly, she knows that priority number one in her life is not being the perfect parent but growing in loving her God zealously.

The Root of Parenting Well

Where do these words find you today as you strive to live out your love for God before your children? Do you feel the flutter of the new life in you as a first-time mom? Does your heart swell and ache a little every time you look at that little boy who was born of someone else’s womb, has suffered much, but sits playing on your floor? Do you worry how your kid will turn out due to their poor choices? Are you weary because little people need you in the middle of the night? Do you wonder how you are going to be both mom and dad now that you are parenting alone? Has your child suddenly turned into an adult and you’re wondering when to say something and when to hold your tongue? Whatever circumstances you find yourself in, God has you in them to grow, know that He hears your prayers, know that His promises are true and know that He is near.  Like Elizabeth allow the root growth of loving God do its work. Let those roots of love toward God grow strong so that they may sustain the branch growth of loving your children well. Let your life circumstances do the good work of pushing you to your knees, before your God where you cry out, “Help me love you more, Jesus!” While your down there, invite your child to your side and cry out for help to love Him better, together.

Bringing it Home

• Think and pray through how you can you love God better today.

• Consider writing Him a love letter or Valentine.

• Sing a song of praise to Him.

• Read His word to get to know Him a little better; Dig to discover who He is and what He has done.

• Invite your children to do any of these with you. 

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Help! How Do I Support My Kid?

Discerning Our Kids’ Needs Series

Three weeks ago, we looked at 1 Thessalonians 5:14 and discovered that Paul urged us to support the weak. This word, weak, can be translated infirm, feeble, sick. Its literal meaning is strengthless and this lack of strength can be physical or moral. It is used several times in the New Testament to denote those who are ill, those who are spiritually immature, and possibly those who aren’t believers.

The idea of support here means to hold oneself opposite of another in order to pay careful attention to or observation of, to have regard for, cleave to, endure with or hold firm to a person. It’s only used a few times in the New Testament. Let’s dive into a couple of passages to give ourselves a broader understanding of this word.

The Luke16:13/Matthew 6:24- Parable of the Dishonest Manager:

Overview:

o In the previous verses of this chapter, Jesus teaches his disciples a parable. Parables are simple stories that
illustrate a spiritual truth. The story here is of a rich man who discovers that his manager is misspending his money. The rich man thinks he must fire the manager. The manger then financial situation better, he praises the manager.

o  Jesus then pulls three lesson out of this story. The first is that like the manger we should use our expertise to make friends for ourselves, even in difficult circumstances (vs. 9). Second, that unlike the manager we shouldn’t use money unrighteously (vs.8). Lastly, that like the manager we should use money in a manner that considers the future.

o  Jesus, then, goes back and forth in verses 10-13 considering monetary wealth and spiritual wealth. He encourages the disciples to be generous and faithful with their earthly possessions which have been given to them by God. He clarifies that true riches aren’t monetary at all, but spiritual. He then states the impossibility of serving two masters. Due to idolatry, mankind can either serve God or money, not both. It is in this verse, in Luke 16:13, and a parallel verse in Matthew that Jesus says,” No servant can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one, and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

o  Our word “support” is translated in this text as “devoted.”

Take Aways:

o  Support looks like devotion or being earnestly attached to a cause.
o  Support assumes serving.

o  The opposite of support or devotion is despising.

Titus 1:9-Qualifications for Elders:

Overview:

o   At the very end of a list of qualifications for eldership, Paul states, “He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.”

o   During this time, the first and last items on a list are emphasized as the most important.

o  Our word “support” is translated in this text as “hold firm.”

Take Aways:

o  Support looks like physical action.

o  Support is not passive.

Evaluating Our Parenting Attitude

1.  Am I devoted to my child in their (bodily/spiritual/unsaved) weakness? Or put another way, if my child’s weakness were a cause, am I earnestly attached to it?

2.  Is my support done with a servant like attitude or do I despise/feel annoyed when serving my child in their weakness?

Evaluating Our Parenting Method

1.  Can I honestly, and humbly identify the weaknesses in my children? (We all have
them!)

2.  Do I pay careful attention to and observe my child to understand:

a.  the intricacies of their weakness? (What does it look like? How do they feel about it? Are they aware of it?)

b.  what are the best ways to support them now that I understand their weakness thoroughly?

3.  Does my support take action? Is it intentional and not passive? Or put another way, do I feel concern in my heart for my child, but have little follow through?

4.  Does my support of my child ask my child if the support I offer is helpful?  (In order to support, we must first find out what it is actually supportive to the individual in need of help.)

Bringing it Home: From Mind to Heart to Home

What has God put on your heart as you have learned what His word states about supporting your children and others in your greater believing community? What has God laid on your heart in yourself-evaluation of your parenting attitudes and methods when it comes to supporting? Spend some time in prayer considering these two questions. Psalm 139:23-24 might be helpful to pray through:

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

After, I read through the verses about supporting, I was struck by the fact that this idea of support/devotion/holding firm is only used on these three occasions. In summary, we are to hold firm to those who are weak, God’s trustworthy word and God Himself. Obviously, our holding firm to God and His word is of the utmost importance. However, the importance of serving in our community of believer’s and more specifically in our home is of high secondary importance.

God calls us to biblically support our children. He has given you everything you need in His word and through prayer to disciple your child in their weaknesses well. Support really seems to be all about studying our kids until we know them well. This may require help from professionals like doctors and counselors who have studied a particular weakness (medical, cognitive, etc.) in more depth. We take action based on that knowledge and get feedback from those we are attempting to support. We seek to find out what has been supportive when it comes to that weakness whether it be bodily, spiritual or being unsaved.

In the next week, try some of the following ideas to help before, during and after supporting your children:

o  Before:

• Pray for compassion and gentleness as you speak the truth in love. Talking about our weaknesses is hard for all of us because both parties have to work their humility muscles. Pray for understanding and discernment concerning your child’s weakness.

• Find a key Bible verse or two to talk and pray through with your child that addresses their weakness and your desire to support them. Some key verses, depending on your child’s weakness (physical, cognitive, spiritual, etc.), are as follows: Psalm 121:1&2, Philippians 4:13, 2 Corinthians 12:9; Isaiah 40:28-31,Psalm 139, Psalm 19:7.

• If this is a time where you need some reminders too. Consider listening to a song if you need encouragement to remember your

  • home is a mission field for the gospel: Let it Start with Me by No Other Name

  • daily work in your home is for the Lord: A Worker’s Prayer by Keith & Kristyn Getty

o  During:

• Begin your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller), holding their hand, putting an arm around them as you talk with them. Create an atmosphere of intimacy and care. (If your child has different needs when it comes to physical touch, think on how they receive love well, and express it in that manner).

• Listen to a worship song together, especially one that speaks of who God is, like, His
  might, His ability to strengthens us and how we were created by Him. Here are a
  couple:

  •  Wonderfully Made by Ellie Holcomb

  • (for older kids) My Help Comes from You by King & Country

  • (for younger kids, with motions) All in All

• Pray with you child asking God to help you both with your weaknesses. Don’t be afraid to share a weakness you have and need regular prayer for. Invite them to pray, but don’t demand it. It may be more comfortable for them to pray for your weakness at first.

• Talk through your key verse or verses.

• Read out loud or have your child read it.

  •  Here’s a video of a possible passage to talk through: The Good Samaritan

• Ask them what they think the verse(s) means.

• Explain to them that you want to support them. (In my example:  like the good Samaritan supported the injured man. You don’t want to ignore their struggle; you want to serve them.)

• Ask them what area of their life they need support in right now. What do think their weaknesses are?

• Provide gospel hope in their area of weakness. We often talk, in our home, about how God uses our weaknesses to make us like Jesus, as an opportunity to serve each other and to rely on Him. Also, we chat about how there will be no more weakness in heaven. Dream together about what heaven will be like.

• Acknowledge that when it comes to hard “why” questions about our weaknesses, we don’t have all the answers, but we do have a God we can run to with our kids by our side. Go to Him together. Bring your emotions and doubts. He can handle it. He offers His presence and strength in our weaknesses. We can trust Him when we don’t understand.

• End your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller) and giving them a big hug.

o  After:

• Check in with your child from time to time: ask them how they think they are doing. Ask them if you can pray for them when you see them struggling in their weakness.

• Praise the work of God in them when you see them remembering God’s promises about strengthening them, being made by God or humbly asking for help.

• Repetition is a huge part of parenting. Expect to go through this process more than once.

The next post in the Biblical Topics Toolkit will continue to walk through the Discerning What Our Kid Needs Series addressing how we can Biblically practice patience with our children whether they are unruly, discouraged or weak.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Help! How Do I Comfort My Kid?

Discerning Our Kid’s Needs Series

Help! How Do I Comfort My Kid?

Two weeks ago, we learned that Paul urged us in 1 Thessalonians 5:14 to comfort the feebleminded. When we look at the word feebleminded, it can also be translated fainthearted, little spirited, or despondent. It has the literal meaning of small souled. Comfort can also be translated as speaking to someone in order to calm them or with the intention of soothing, consoling or encouraging.

This form of the word comfort is used three other times in the New Testament. We can find it in Paul’s book to the Thessalonians and in the book of John. Let’s see how the use of this word better informs our understanding of it.

John 11: Mary, Martha & the death of Lazarus.

o Overview:

• Jesus is close to Mary, Martha & Lazarus who are brother and sisters. Lazarus dies due to illness. The Jewish community come to Mary & Martha in their home to “comfort” them in their grief over their brother’s death (vs. 19).

• During their (the Jews) ministry of comforting in the home, Mary stays home while Martha goes out to meet Jesus on the outskirts of town, whom she heard was coming soon. After speaking with Jesus, Martha has a private conversation with Mary telling her that Jesus had arrived and had called for her. Mary quickly goes to him. The Jews who were ministering to Mary, mistakenly, think she is going to Lazarus’ grave to mourn and follow her (vs.31).

o   Take Aways:

• Ministering comfort to others happens in community. This community knew the needs of these sisters.

• Comfort should be occurring when grief is involved.

• Ministering comfort looks like offering your presence to another.

• Ministering comfort naturally occurs in the safety of the home or other safe places.

• Ministering comfort looks like pursuing others to the place of anticipated need.

1 Thessalonians 2:11&12.

o   Overview:

• Paul and his ministry team “comforted” the Thessalonian believers “like a Father with his children.”

• This comfort occurred as the Thessalonians tried to live like people who belonged to God, who live in His kingdom and have hope in their future glory with Him.

o Take Aways:

• Comfort looks fatherly. This word has the idea of nourishing, protecting and upholding.

• Comfort is needed in the context of believers trying to live their life for God, resembling people who belong to God’s kingdom, showing God is working through them, and remembering their future hope of glory with Him in heaven.

Evaluating Our Parenting Attitude:

1. Is my attitude when consoling my child’s discouraged heart “fatherly”? Does it look to nourish? Does it look to protect? Does it look like support that keeps my child from sinking or defending my child?

Evaluating Our Parenting Methods:

1. Do I look at comforting as an activity that happens in community? Do I comfort others (both my immediate and church family)? Do I allow others to serve my children and I in the ministry of comforting? Why do I think this is/isn’t true?

2.Do I approach others, specifically my children, in their grief and offer them my presence to console them and mourn with them? Why do I think this is/isn’t true?

3. Do I minister comfort in a safe place like home, church, etc.?

4. When I minister comfort to others, specifically my children, is it a comfort that pursues to the place of need?

5. Do I minister comfort not just in the time of grave need, but also in the times of every day Christian living? Does the comfort in these times look like me reminding my children that they are one of God’s people (a child of God), that God is a mighty King that has a plan, and that Christians have a future glorious hope?

Bringing it Home:

• What has God put on your heart as you have learned what His word states about comforting your children and others in your greater believing community? What has God laid on your heart in your self-evaluation of your parenting attitudes and methods when it comes to comforting? Spend some time in prayer considering these two questions. Psalm 139:23-24 might be helpful to pray through:

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

• After, I read through the verses about comforting, specifically looking at how Jesus interacted with Mary and Martha in John 11, I was struck by how compassionate He was with them, how He gently spoke of His sovereignty over the situation and how He sincerely mourned with  them in tears. If you were convicted of falling short in the area of comforting, spend some time in prayer. Repent of any areas of sin. Ask for wisdom and discernment in areas of immaturity. Ask for help to grow and believe God’s gospel promises that He died for any sins you are convicted of and is making you (a process) complete in Christlikeness.

• God calls us to biblically comfort our children in hard times concerning the hard topics. He has given you everything you need in His word and through prayer to disciple your discouraged child’s heart well.  Biblical comfort looks a lot like “standing on the promises of God” as the old hymn states. Biblical comfort looks a lot like remembering who we belong to and what He is capable of. Biblical comfort looks a lot like remembering our future hope.

• In the next week, try some of the following ideas to help before, during and after comforting your children:

  • Before:

    • Pray for compassion and gentleness as you speak the truth in love.

    • Pray this Prayer of Comfort an excerpt from my free A Guide to Praying for Your Children in Suffering (click on the link for access to the whole guide):

      Heavenly Father, I lift up ________________(child) to you. You know how deeply I love him/her. I pray that s/he may know you as “the God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). May___________(child) intimately know that “nothing can separate” him/her “from the love of Christ” (Romans 8:35). May ___________(child) be aware of Your constant presence and that s/he is led and held by You (Psalm 139:7-12). May___________(child) understand that Jesus, too, suffered (1 Peter 3:18), and that He truly understands his/her suffering. Heavenly Father, may __________(child) perceive Your comfort, Your presence, Your love today.

    • Find a key Bible verse or two to talk and pray through with your child that addresses the subject you want to comfort them with. The verses in the above prayer might help or Psalm 23.

    • If this is a time where you need comfort too. Consider listening to a song like:

      Faithful by Sarah Reeves if you need to be reminded of who God is.
      Sweet Comfort by Sandra McCracken if you need your own time to grieve.

  • During:

    • Begin your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller), holding their hand, putting an arm around them as you talk with them. Create an atmosphere of intimacy and care. (If your child has different needs when it comes to physical touch, think on how they receive love well, and express it in that manner).

    • Listen to a worship song together, especially one that speaks of who God is, specifically, His presence and His sovereignty. Here are a couple:

      For younger kids: Here’s a worship song on Psalm 23.

      For teens, letting them know they can bring
      all of their hard to answer questions to God: Why
      God by Austin French

    • Pray with you child asking God to help you both be comforted. Invite them to pray, but don’t demand it.

    • Talk through your key verse or verses:

    • Read out loud or have your child read it.

      • One key passage you could work through is
        Psalm 23:

        • Here’s an animated poem explaining Psalm 23, simply for kids. My kids loved it.

    • Ask them what they think the verse or passage means.

    • Explain to them why you thought it would comfort them.

    • Ask them what area of their life they need comfort or encouragement in right now. Their area discouragement may not be what you thought it was or their maybe additional areas of discouragement.

    • Provide gospel hope in their area of discouragement. We often talk, in our home, about how God uses hard things to make us like Jesus and how there will be no more suffering in heaven. Dream together about what heaven will be like.

    • Acknowledge that when it comes to hard “why” questions, we don’t have all the answers, but we do have a God we can run to with our kids by our side. Go to Him together. Bring your emotions and doubts. He can handle it. He offers His presence during the hard times. We can trust Him when we don’t understand.

    • End your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller) and giving them a big hug.

  • After:

    • Check in with your child from time to time: ask them how they think they are doing. Ask them if you can pray for them when you see them discouraged.

    • Praise the work of God in them when you see them remembering God’s promises during this hard time.

    • Repetition is a huge part of parenting. Expect to go through this process more than once.

The next post in the Biblical Topics Toolkit will continue to walk through the Discerning What Our Kid Needs Series addressing how we can Biblically support our children in their weaknesses.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Help! How Do I Warn My Kid?

Discerning Our Kids Needs Series

Understanding the Concept of Warning in Scripture:

Last week, in 1 Thessalonians 5:14 we saw that Paul urge’s us to warn the unruly. The word unruly can also be translated as insubordinate or someone who isn’t following a rule. The idea behind this word is a disorderliness that looks like soldiers that are out of ranks. The word warn is also translated admonish or exhort in some Bibles. This warning is based on instruction that considers what the individual is doing wrong. It literally means “to put in mind” and could be translated caution gently.

Paul uses the word warn eight times in the New Testament. Those seven other uses of the same word help us get a clearer picture of what our warning should resemble. Here is a list of them with a brief explanation:

• Warning should be occurring regularly. In Acts 20:31, Paul does it “night and day.”

• It’s a “one another” command. This means, it’s something we do in community with other believers. (Romans 15:14 & Col. 3:16).

• Warning is not shaming others. Paul clarifies this in 1 Corinthians 4:14. The word shame here means to have no respect or regard for another. Within this meaning there is a sense that when our disregard or lack of respect occurs it turns the individual against themselves.

• It is an appropriate aspect of preaching and all Christians participate in it so that fellow Christians will be “perfect in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28).

• In order to be equipped to warn, we need scripture to “dwell richly” in us. It can look like worship in “psalms, hymns, spiritual songs” sung “with grace to the Lord.” (Col. 3:16).

• Warning is part of the role of leaders in the church. (1 Thessalonians 5:12).

• Warning is lived out with an attitude where we don’t look at fellow Christians as enemies but as siblings in Christ.(2 Thessalonians 3:15).

Evaluating Our Parenting Attitude:

1. Do I have a disrespectful or shaming attitude when I do warn that tempts my children to turn on themselves instead of seeing themselves as being made in the image God? (The difference in shaming and warning is that shaming communicates that a child is devalued because of the sin or immaturity they are struggling with. Warning, on the other hand, communicates a wrongdoing that is occurring in their life, and that trouble may lay ahead if the wrongdoing persists. It like the verbal version of a caution road sign that alerts us to watch out, take care, be on alert. There may be trouble ahead. We warn because, in love, we want them to navigate the potential trouble and not be harmed.)

 2. Do I warn with an attitude that promotes flourishing in the heart of my child so that they may be growing to be “perfect in Christ”? Do I warn helping my child to understand that growing in Christlikeness is a process?

3. Do I have a worshipful attitude towards God as I warn my child?

4. Does my heart display an attitude that regards my child as a fellow sibling in the body of Christ or does my attitude treat them more like an opponent or a villain?

Evaluating Our Parenting Methods:

1. Is warning a regular part of my parenting? Why do I think this is/isn’t occurring in my life?

2. Do I participate in warning as a community activity with other believers? Do I receive warning humbly through the preaching, leadership and fellow brothers and sisters of Christ in my church? Why do I think this is/isn’t happening in my life?

3. Is my warning of my children informed by scripture because I am regularly dwelling richly in His word?

4. Have I ever used worship songs as a tool to help to warn my children? Songs that show who God is and the importance of obedience or growth?

Bringing it Home:

• What has God put on your heart as you have learned what His word states about warning your children and others in your greater believing community? What has God laid on your heart in your self-evaluation of your parenting attitudes and methods when it comes to warning? Spend some time in prayer considering these two questions. Psalm 139:23-24 might be helpful to pray through:

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

• After, I read through the verses about warning, what came to mind was how Jesus interacted with others. He wasn’t afraid to be firm, and truthful. However, He was also gentle and compassionate. If you were convicted of falling short in the area of warning, spend some time in prayer. Repent of any areas of sin. Ask for wisdom and discernment in areas of immaturity. Ask for help to grow and believe God’s gospel promises that He died for any sins you are convicted of and is making you (a process) complete in Christlikeness.

• Often, we can go to two extremes when we warn: avoidance or harshness & condemnation. In the next week, try some of the following ideas to help before, during and after warning your children:

  • Before:

    • Pray for gentleness, firm and loving truth speaking as you interact with your child. Psalm 19:12-14 are great verses to pray through beforehand.

    • Listen to a song that praises who God is to orient you to whose rules/standards you are trying to uphold in your home. I often find that remembering who God is before I interact with others is helpful. This is a song that reorients my heart: How Great Is Our God by Chris Tomlin

    • Find a key Bible verse or two to talk and pray through with your child that addresses the subject you want to warn them about.

  • During:

    • Begin your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller), holding their hand, putting an arm around them as you talk with them. Create an atmosphere of intimacy and care. (If your child has different needs when it comes to physical touch, think on how they receive love well, and express it in that manner).

    • Listen to a worship song together, especially one that speaks of who God is. Here is a good kid version of How Great Is Our God (This has diverse elementary aged kids singing together, in various beautiful outdoor locations, and seasons. My kids like how they each write a different name of God on a chalkboard.)

    • Pray with you child asking God to help you both speak kindly and honestly with each other. Invite them to pray, but don’t demand it.

    • Talk through the key verse or verses you chose beforehand:

      • Read out loud or have your child read it.

      • Ask them what they think the verse means and clarify misunderstandings.

      • Explain to them your concern and warn them.

      • Ask them what they think in their life has caused you to be troubled about the subject you are confronting them on.

      • Provided gospel hope for the concern.

        • If an issue of immaturity: God promises to keep growing us to maturity in Him.

        •  If an issue of sin: God promises salvation to those who believe and to make us complete.

    • Pray with your child inviting the to join you.

      • If your child is convicted of sin, have them repent, asking for forgiveness (from God first and then later with others if their sin is a relational one), help to change with God’s enabling, and thanksgiving for salvation and God’s ability to work in us to make us more like Jesus.

      • If your child is not a believer, present the gospel to them, explaining that the sin they are/aren’t convicted of has been paid by the death of Jesus. Pray with your child for their heart & head understanding of the one time and continuous work of the gospel.

      • If your child is not convicted, but sin exists in this area of concern. Pray for conviction or agreeing with God about their sin.

      • If your child is struggling in area of immaturity, pray for wisdom, discernment and growth in this area.

    • End your time with your child letting the know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller) and giving them a big hug.

  • After

    • Check in with your child from time to time. Ask them how they think they are doing in the area of struggle and if you can pray for them when you see it pop again.

    • Praise the work of God in them when you see growth in the area you warned them about.

    • Repetition is a huge part of parenting. Expect to go through this process more than once.

The next post in the Biblical Topics Toolkit will continue to walk through the Discerning What Our Kid Needs Series addressing what Biblically comforting our children look like when they are discouraged.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Help! I'm Not Sure What My Kid Needs: A Place to Start

Discerning Our Kid’s Needs Series

Bible Passage:

“And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be
patient with them all.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Bible Passage Overview:

As Paul closes his first letter the to church at Thessalonica, he gives some final instructions to the believers there in verses 12-22 of chapter five. This is a brief synopsis of what their one-anothering should look like. Earlier in the letter, Paul has addressed confusion over questions of what happens to believers after death and has tried to give them hope as they experience hardship. In this passage, he pleads with the believers at Thessalonica and instructs them as to what their community life should look like as a church.

He lays out a series of ways of responding to the needs of other believers. Some believers were undisciplined, disorderly, unruly or just plain insubordinate. The right response to the unruly is to warn them, to caution them gently, to counsel them against such behavior. The second type of believer is the one who is fainthearted, despondent, or has little spirit. The appropriate response to this individual is to speak words that calm, console and encourage them. The last category of believer is the weak. These individuals are without strength, feeble, and this infirmity may be physical or moral. The believer’s response to this fellow brother or sister in Christ is to endure or support. It is a very physical picture of cleaving to, or holding them, like you would a child who is learning to walk, allowing them to lean on you. The last command given by Paul is to practice patience with every type of believer. They are to blanket all interactions with those in the church with and attitude of perseverance that is slow to anger, long suffering, and does not lose heart .

A Prayer Of Discernment for the Parent in 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Lord, I ask for your help. I am struggling to know what ______________________ (Child) needs right now. I know that you know “the secrets of the heart” (Psalm 44:21); give me discernment with __________________ (Child). You know _________________(Child) completely (see Psalm 139). I need your discernment to train him/her in righteousness, so that I can respond as You would have me. Let me respond not react, so that I may not be ruled by my emotions, but by patience as the Holy Spirit works in me.

Is _________________(Child) in a rebellious state, not disciplined, disorderly, unruly, insubordinate? Give me wisdom, Lord.

Is__________________(Child) in a place of discouragement, despondent, small spirited? Give me wisdom, Lord.

Is__________________(Child) experiencing weakness, feebleness that is physical or moral? Give me wisdom Lord.

Is more than one of these above struggles at work, making this situation complex? Give me a mind and heart that knows ___________________ (Child), Your image bearer. What is s/he wrestling with right now?

How might I respond to_______________ (Child) to warn/encourage/support them? What will reach their heart, pointing them to gospel truth and hope?

(If more than one struggle is at work) Which struggle needs addressing first Lord?

Lord, give me wisdom and discernment as I go and speak to them now.

Young Hearts Knowing Truth

1. Read 1Thessalonians 5:14 with your child, explaining the 3 different types of struggles they could be experiencing (a rebellious heart, a discouraged heart, a weak heart or body).

2. Explain that we all need help understanding ourselves. Go to God together in prayer. Here is a prayer to pray together:

A Prayer of Discernment with Your Child

Lord, there is a lot going on in _____________ (Child’s) heart right now and it’s coming out in (tears/yelling/hiding/silence, etc.). We thank you God that You know everything we do and think, and You keep loving us no matter what. When we were right in the middle of our sin, You died for us. You didn’t wait for us to become better people first because we need Your help to change in our hearts. We cannot do it without You.

Lord, will You help us name what is going on inside ___________ (Child’s) heart. Thank you that we can be honest with You, and each other so that we can keep growing to look more and more like Jesus. Is ________________ (Child) not wanting to be like Jesus right now? Is ______________(Child) discouraged or wants to give up? Is ________________(Child) weak or weary and needs help? We know Your word tells us there is help for us no matter what is going on in our hearts. We thank you for Your help.

3. Ask your child which struggle(s) they think are in their heart right now. Ask them: what makes you think it’s that struggle(s)?

4. Share which struggle(s) you see in your child explaining what makes you think that is the struggle. Give them a chance to agree or disagree. Remember “be patient with them all” and ask your child to be patient with you as well.

5. Address each struggle that the two of you came up with by walking through a verse in scripture with them on that topic. (For help with responding to each need, see my next four posts in the Biblical Topics Toolkit of this Discerning Our Kid’s Needs Series. We’ll walk through how we can warn, comfort, support and develop patience when our children are undisciplined, discouraged or weak.)

6. End your time together in prayer.’

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).