Help! How Do I Practice Patience With My Kid?

Discerning Our Kids’ Needs Series

Today, we wrap up our Discerning What Our Kids Need through 1 Thessalonians 5:14 series. Up until this point in the series, we have walked through a starting point for discerning what our kids need, how to warn our unruly kids, how to comfort our discouraged kids and how to support our weak kids. Now, we will bind all of those responses to our kids’ needs in a blanket of patience. As our verse says, “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the faint hearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”

How exactly can we be patient with all people? Let’s wade deeper into this concept of patience. When we look at the Greek, we see that the root of this verb has the idea of being long spirited or not losing heart. It is then defined as forbearing (to bear with), long suffering, and has the idea of persevering or endurance and bravery within it. It is found a few times within the New Testament as it used in descriptions of what our conduct should look like and what God’s character is. It should also be noted that if we further mine this word, it can mean to be patient in the face of something, like troubles or being provoked. Additionally, the phrase “with them all” has the idea of everyone/anyone individually. This means there is in inequity in who we are to exhibit patience toward.

1 Corinthians 13:4

Overview

This is, likely, the most familiar passage to most of us regarding patience. Chapter 13 is often called the love chapter. While many recite it at weddings, it was first meant as instruction from Paul to the church at Corinth. There were relational struggles within the church of quarrels and resulting division. The entire chapter outlines what love truly looks like. Another way we could say this is that as a Fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22-23, the fruit of love will taste like each of the descriptions listed in this chapter. For the purposes of our study, verse 4, states that “love is patient.” Our world is constantly defining and redefining love. Our Heavenly Father gives us a clear picture of how the sweet aroma and flavor of love should be experienced by others, and one of those flavor notes is patience which is a Fruit of the Spirit itself. Don’t miss that this description of love was perfectly lived out by Jesus Himself. Therefore, Jesus was perfectly patient.

Take Aways

· Love looks like patience.

· Patience (the noun version of the same word we are studying) is a Fruit of the Spirit.

· One way our love can be experienced by others is practicing patience.

· The definition of love includes patience.

2 Peter 3:9

Overview

This verse states, “The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” In the larger context, this is Peter’s second letter to the churches. In this letter, he addresses issues of Christian living which include, being on guard against false teachers, some of whom denied the coming of the Day of the Lord. Peter defends Christ’s promise to return, explaining with a bit of an admonishment or correction that God’s timeline is not ours. What the church falsely saw as slowness or dare I say, God taking too long, was God’s patience towards the unrepentant. God desired to save sinners, and He would wait until all had been reached.

Take Aways

· God is patient with the unrepentant, perfectly so.

· At the heart of God’s patience is a desire for mankind to not have to experience the penalty of sin, which is death.

· God’s forbearance with unrepentant is motivated by desiring gospel informed repentance.

· Remember that the unrepentant are those who are hostile to God, those who don’t believe Him, those who provoke Him with their disbelief.

Some Other Considerations:

· When it comes to patience, at the heart of this word is the idea of endurance. We begin to see that living out this kind of patience involves the character trait of self-control (a Fruit of the Spirit).

· Patience is displayed when we exhibit that self-control as responders vs. reactors. Consider for a moment the role of a first responder vs. a volcanic eruption as an illustration. A first responder acquires knowledge and skills on how to respond to varying emergency circumstances. The first responder then takes that knowledge and those skills and applies them on the spot after a quick analysis of the situation set before them. As time goes on, their responses become habits as they gain experience. There will always be times when an emergency is more complex, but for the most part, they come to know by heart and act with confidence to get the situation to a place of stability. The result is that those involved are helped in some way. A volcano on the other hand only needs the right circumstances and it will erupt. There will be signs that the eruption is inevitable, like emission of gas and steam, magma rising and tremors. Eventually, there is the point of no return where lava pours forth, smoke plumes out and then the ash weighs on everything that surrounds it like a heavy blanket of grey. The result is great harm to anything within its reach. Whatever it touches is harmed in some way.

· Unfortunately, when we react, and don’t respond, what explodes out of us is unrighteous anger. Sometimes, we minimize this and call it being annoyed or irritated, but these are just synonyms for varying forms of anger.

· This means that the opposite of patience is unrighteous anger. If we are looking to put off unrighteous anger or impatience, we need a heart transplant. Our heart of unrighteous anger and impatience needs to be replaced with longsuffering that is self-controlled even in the face of provocation.

Evaluating Our Parenting Attitude

1. As you asses your child’s needs, warn, comfort and support your children is your attitude one of love that overflows in not losing heart?

2. Is your practice of patience in your home equally exercised with all your children? Or are you more patient with some children than others?

3. Does your patience flow from a heart of courage or bravery?

4. Is your correction, especially in the case of warning your child, motivated by a deep heart desire for your child to live gospel I informed repentance that leads him/or to salvation or sanctifying growth?

5. Does the growing patience in your heart give you the heart perspective that all the needs in this series are opportunities to preach the gospel to your children desiring that none should perish?

6. Is your heart growing in love and self-control (all part of the Fruit of the Spirit) as it informs your patience? Is your love and self-control strengthening your forbearance?

7. Is your heart attitude one that look at your kids’ needs as a hindrance in your going about your day or privilege to be a part of God’s plan to disciple your child?

Evaluating Our Parenting Method

1. As you asses your child’s needs, warn, comfort and support your children do you bear up when they display provoking or hostile behaviors & heart attitudes?

2. While assessing your child’s needs, warning, comforting, and supporting your children, when they sin against you or others in your home and have an unrepentant heart are you long suffering like our Savior?

3. Does your warning, comforting, and supporting of your unruly, discouraged or weak child regularly include presentation of specific gospel truths or the gospel itself?

4. Are you a biblical “first responder” or “eruptor” when it comes to the circumstances of assessing your children’s needs or warning, encouraging, and supporting your children?

5. Does your addressing your children’s needs look like unrighteous anger, annoyance, or irritation?

Bringing it Home: From Mind to Heart to Home

· What has God put on your heart as you have learned what His word states about practicing patience with your children and others in your greater believing community when they need to be warned, encouraged or supported? What has God laid on your heart in your self-evaluation of your parenting attitudes and methods when it comes to patience? Spend some time in prayer considering these two questions. Psalm 139:23-24 might be helpful to pray through:

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

· After, I read through the verses about patience, I was overwhelmed by God’s patience for us as sinners. Before I was a believer, I know I was hostile to God, and even after salvation, there are so many moments when His ways irritate me, but He patiently teaches and pursues me through His word, His people and His plan (the circumstances of my life) to keep at His good work in me and my children.

· God calls us to be long suffering with our children. He has given you everything you need in His word, through prayer and His enabling to, in patience, disciple your child well in all circumstances no matter what their needs may be.

· In the next week, try some of the following ideas to grow in patience as you discover and address your child’s needs. What follows are ideas on strengthening your patience before, during and after:

• Before:

  • Pray for compassion and gentleness as you speak the truth in love. Pray for understanding and discernment concerning your child’s needs. Pray that God will give you a heart of service, self-control, and love as you interact with your child.

  • Find a key Bible verse or two to pray through before or write it down to refer to during your interactions with serving your child. Some ideas are: Romans 12:12, Colossians 3:12 & Ephesians 4:2-3.

  • Consider listening to a song if you need encouragement:

· To have a heart of love as you serve in your home: Love Like Jesus by The Rhett Walker Band

· If you are weary from repetitively dealing with your child’s struggle : My Prayer for You by Alisa Turner

· If you are struggling to trust God and His ways: Perfect Wisdom of Our God by Keith & Kristyn Getty

• During:

  • Begin your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller), holding their hand, putting an arm around them as you talk with them. Create an atmosphere of intimacy and care. (If your child has different needs when it comes to physical touch, think on how they receive love well, and express it in that manner).

  • Pray with your child before you address their need and ask God to help you with your temptation to be impatient/irritated/annoyed. Let your child see your neediness before God as well. Doing this before your pray for their struggle is the best way to start your prayer time as you are modeling going before God with humility. Thank God for the saving and sanctifying work in both of you.

  • Encourage your child to practice patience too as you both work through talking through their need. Here is a favorite song of ours. We often sing the chorus to each other as a gentle reminder:

    • Have Patience (This is a cartoon episode where the Music Machine teaches the Fruit of the Spirit to children. Fast forward to 9:40 to only hear the song on patience.)

  • While you work through the process of discerning and addressing your kids’ needs outlined in this series’ previous posts, keep your key verse at hand, referring to it when you are struggling to remain calm and have a gentle serving heart.

  • If you are still struggling with patience, honestly and simply explain to your child that you are going to step away for a moment to ask God for help in prayer. Here is a prayer you can recite if you can’t find your own words:

    • Lord, change my heart. I do not want to help my child in the ways that you have clearly outlined in your word. I am struggling with anger/I am struggling with being inconvenienced and wanting to follow my plan for my day/I am struggling with weariness in addressing this need repetitively/ I am struggling with__________________. You promise to be strong in my weakness. Please strengthen my patience so that it looks like love and self-control. As I try to be patient help me remember Your patience with me, that Your sovereign plan for my day is to serve my children in their needs and in doing so grow my own faith as I obey You. Thank you for dying for my sin of impatience. May I live out a heart of gratitude to be a part of your plan to show Christ to my children in this situation today.

  • Return when you are calm begin again or continue from where you left off. Thank your child for being patient with you when you left.

  • End your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller) and giving them a big hug.

• After:

  • Do a self-check from time to time: think through how you are doing in the realm of practicing patience.

  • If you begin to realize this a regular struggle for you, consider:

    • keeping a journal to record your moments of weakness in this area and gain a better understanding of the circumstances where this struggle often arises.

    • Ask your spouse or a close friend if they can pray for you in this area of struggle. Pray with your family about it regularly.

    • Find an accountability partner to check in regularly with to aid in further growth in this area.

  • Praise God for His work in you when you see growth in practicing patience. Involve your family and believing friends into this praise.

  • Repetition is a huge part of the life of a growing believer. Expect to go through this process more than once.

This concludes the Discerning Our Kids’ Need Series in the Biblical Topics Toolkit. Within those five posts we addressed how we can Biblically discern our kids’ needs, warn our unruly child, encouraged our fainthearted child, support our weak child and all while growing in patience.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon); https://sciencing.com/early-signs-volcano-going-erupt-8013792.html.

Help! How Do I Support My Kid?

Discerning Our Kids’ Needs Series

Three weeks ago, we looked at 1 Thessalonians 5:14 and discovered that Paul urged us to support the weak. This word, weak, can be translated infirm, feeble, sick. Its literal meaning is strengthless and this lack of strength can be physical or moral. It is used several times in the New Testament to denote those who are ill, those who are spiritually immature, and possibly those who aren’t believers.

The idea of support here means to hold oneself opposite of another in order to pay careful attention to or observation of, to have regard for, cleave to, endure with or hold firm to a person. It’s only used a few times in the New Testament. Let’s dive into a couple of passages to give ourselves a broader understanding of this word.

The Luke16:13/Matthew 6:24- Parable of the Dishonest Manager:

Overview:

o In the previous verses of this chapter, Jesus teaches his disciples a parable. Parables are simple stories that
illustrate a spiritual truth. The story here is of a rich man who discovers that his manager is misspending his money. The rich man thinks he must fire the manager. The manger then financial situation better, he praises the manager.

o  Jesus then pulls three lesson out of this story. The first is that like the manger we should use our expertise to make friends for ourselves, even in difficult circumstances (vs. 9). Second, that unlike the manager we shouldn’t use money unrighteously (vs.8). Lastly, that like the manager we should use money in a manner that considers the future.

o  Jesus, then, goes back and forth in verses 10-13 considering monetary wealth and spiritual wealth. He encourages the disciples to be generous and faithful with their earthly possessions which have been given to them by God. He clarifies that true riches aren’t monetary at all, but spiritual. He then states the impossibility of serving two masters. Due to idolatry, mankind can either serve God or money, not both. It is in this verse, in Luke 16:13, and a parallel verse in Matthew that Jesus says,” No servant can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one, and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

o  Our word “support” is translated in this text as “devoted.”

Take Aways:

o  Support looks like devotion or being earnestly attached to a cause.
o  Support assumes serving.

o  The opposite of support or devotion is despising.

Titus 1:9-Qualifications for Elders:

Overview:

o   At the very end of a list of qualifications for eldership, Paul states, “He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.”

o   During this time, the first and last items on a list are emphasized as the most important.

o  Our word “support” is translated in this text as “hold firm.”

Take Aways:

o  Support looks like physical action.

o  Support is not passive.

Evaluating Our Parenting Attitude

1.  Am I devoted to my child in their (bodily/spiritual/unsaved) weakness? Or put another way, if my child’s weakness were a cause, am I earnestly attached to it?

2.  Is my support done with a servant like attitude or do I despise/feel annoyed when serving my child in their weakness?

Evaluating Our Parenting Method

1.  Can I honestly, and humbly identify the weaknesses in my children? (We all have
them!)

2.  Do I pay careful attention to and observe my child to understand:

a.  the intricacies of their weakness? (What does it look like? How do they feel about it? Are they aware of it?)

b.  what are the best ways to support them now that I understand their weakness thoroughly?

3.  Does my support take action? Is it intentional and not passive? Or put another way, do I feel concern in my heart for my child, but have little follow through?

4.  Does my support of my child ask my child if the support I offer is helpful?  (In order to support, we must first find out what it is actually supportive to the individual in need of help.)

Bringing it Home: From Mind to Heart to Home

What has God put on your heart as you have learned what His word states about supporting your children and others in your greater believing community? What has God laid on your heart in yourself-evaluation of your parenting attitudes and methods when it comes to supporting? Spend some time in prayer considering these two questions. Psalm 139:23-24 might be helpful to pray through:

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

After, I read through the verses about supporting, I was struck by the fact that this idea of support/devotion/holding firm is only used on these three occasions. In summary, we are to hold firm to those who are weak, God’s trustworthy word and God Himself. Obviously, our holding firm to God and His word is of the utmost importance. However, the importance of serving in our community of believer’s and more specifically in our home is of high secondary importance.

God calls us to biblically support our children. He has given you everything you need in His word and through prayer to disciple your child in their weaknesses well. Support really seems to be all about studying our kids until we know them well. This may require help from professionals like doctors and counselors who have studied a particular weakness (medical, cognitive, etc.) in more depth. We take action based on that knowledge and get feedback from those we are attempting to support. We seek to find out what has been supportive when it comes to that weakness whether it be bodily, spiritual or being unsaved.

In the next week, try some of the following ideas to help before, during and after supporting your children:

o  Before:

• Pray for compassion and gentleness as you speak the truth in love. Talking about our weaknesses is hard for all of us because both parties have to work their humility muscles. Pray for understanding and discernment concerning your child’s weakness.

• Find a key Bible verse or two to talk and pray through with your child that addresses their weakness and your desire to support them. Some key verses, depending on your child’s weakness (physical, cognitive, spiritual, etc.), are as follows: Psalm 121:1&2, Philippians 4:13, 2 Corinthians 12:9; Isaiah 40:28-31,Psalm 139, Psalm 19:7.

• If this is a time where you need some reminders too. Consider listening to a song if you need encouragement to remember your

  • home is a mission field for the gospel: Let it Start with Me by No Other Name

  • daily work in your home is for the Lord: A Worker’s Prayer by Keith & Kristyn Getty

o  During:

• Begin your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller), holding their hand, putting an arm around them as you talk with them. Create an atmosphere of intimacy and care. (If your child has different needs when it comes to physical touch, think on how they receive love well, and express it in that manner).

• Listen to a worship song together, especially one that speaks of who God is, like, His
  might, His ability to strengthens us and how we were created by Him. Here are a
  couple:

  •  Wonderfully Made by Ellie Holcomb

  • (for older kids) My Help Comes from You by King & Country

  • (for younger kids, with motions) All in All

• Pray with you child asking God to help you both with your weaknesses. Don’t be afraid to share a weakness you have and need regular prayer for. Invite them to pray, but don’t demand it. It may be more comfortable for them to pray for your weakness at first.

• Talk through your key verse or verses.

• Read out loud or have your child read it.

  •  Here’s a video of a possible passage to talk through: The Good Samaritan

• Ask them what they think the verse(s) means.

• Explain to them that you want to support them. (In my example:  like the good Samaritan supported the injured man. You don’t want to ignore their struggle; you want to serve them.)

• Ask them what area of their life they need support in right now. What do think their weaknesses are?

• Provide gospel hope in their area of weakness. We often talk, in our home, about how God uses our weaknesses to make us like Jesus, as an opportunity to serve each other and to rely on Him. Also, we chat about how there will be no more weakness in heaven. Dream together about what heaven will be like.

• Acknowledge that when it comes to hard “why” questions about our weaknesses, we don’t have all the answers, but we do have a God we can run to with our kids by our side. Go to Him together. Bring your emotions and doubts. He can handle it. He offers His presence and strength in our weaknesses. We can trust Him when we don’t understand.

• End your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller) and giving them a big hug.

o  After:

• Check in with your child from time to time: ask them how they think they are doing. Ask them if you can pray for them when you see them struggling in their weakness.

• Praise the work of God in them when you see them remembering God’s promises about strengthening them, being made by God or humbly asking for help.

• Repetition is a huge part of parenting. Expect to go through this process more than once.

The next post in the Biblical Topics Toolkit will continue to walk through the Discerning What Our Kid Needs Series addressing how we can Biblically practice patience with our children whether they are unruly, discouraged or weak.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Help! How Do I Comfort My Kid?

Discerning Our Kid’s Needs Series

Help! How Do I Comfort My Kid?

Two weeks ago, we learned that Paul urged us in 1 Thessalonians 5:14 to comfort the feebleminded. When we look at the word feebleminded, it can also be translated fainthearted, little spirited, or despondent. It has the literal meaning of small souled. Comfort can also be translated as speaking to someone in order to calm them or with the intention of soothing, consoling or encouraging.

This form of the word comfort is used three other times in the New Testament. We can find it in Paul’s book to the Thessalonians and in the book of John. Let’s see how the use of this word better informs our understanding of it.

John 11: Mary, Martha & the death of Lazarus.

o Overview:

• Jesus is close to Mary, Martha & Lazarus who are brother and sisters. Lazarus dies due to illness. The Jewish community come to Mary & Martha in their home to “comfort” them in their grief over their brother’s death (vs. 19).

• During their (the Jews) ministry of comforting in the home, Mary stays home while Martha goes out to meet Jesus on the outskirts of town, whom she heard was coming soon. After speaking with Jesus, Martha has a private conversation with Mary telling her that Jesus had arrived and had called for her. Mary quickly goes to him. The Jews who were ministering to Mary, mistakenly, think she is going to Lazarus’ grave to mourn and follow her (vs.31).

o   Take Aways:

• Ministering comfort to others happens in community. This community knew the needs of these sisters.

• Comfort should be occurring when grief is involved.

• Ministering comfort looks like offering your presence to another.

• Ministering comfort naturally occurs in the safety of the home or other safe places.

• Ministering comfort looks like pursuing others to the place of anticipated need.

1 Thessalonians 2:11&12.

o   Overview:

• Paul and his ministry team “comforted” the Thessalonian believers “like a Father with his children.”

• This comfort occurred as the Thessalonians tried to live like people who belonged to God, who live in His kingdom and have hope in their future glory with Him.

o Take Aways:

• Comfort looks fatherly. This word has the idea of nourishing, protecting and upholding.

• Comfort is needed in the context of believers trying to live their life for God, resembling people who belong to God’s kingdom, showing God is working through them, and remembering their future hope of glory with Him in heaven.

Evaluating Our Parenting Attitude:

1. Is my attitude when consoling my child’s discouraged heart “fatherly”? Does it look to nourish? Does it look to protect? Does it look like support that keeps my child from sinking or defending my child?

Evaluating Our Parenting Methods:

1. Do I look at comforting as an activity that happens in community? Do I comfort others (both my immediate and church family)? Do I allow others to serve my children and I in the ministry of comforting? Why do I think this is/isn’t true?

2.Do I approach others, specifically my children, in their grief and offer them my presence to console them and mourn with them? Why do I think this is/isn’t true?

3. Do I minister comfort in a safe place like home, church, etc.?

4. When I minister comfort to others, specifically my children, is it a comfort that pursues to the place of need?

5. Do I minister comfort not just in the time of grave need, but also in the times of every day Christian living? Does the comfort in these times look like me reminding my children that they are one of God’s people (a child of God), that God is a mighty King that has a plan, and that Christians have a future glorious hope?

Bringing it Home:

• What has God put on your heart as you have learned what His word states about comforting your children and others in your greater believing community? What has God laid on your heart in your self-evaluation of your parenting attitudes and methods when it comes to comforting? Spend some time in prayer considering these two questions. Psalm 139:23-24 might be helpful to pray through:

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

• After, I read through the verses about comforting, specifically looking at how Jesus interacted with Mary and Martha in John 11, I was struck by how compassionate He was with them, how He gently spoke of His sovereignty over the situation and how He sincerely mourned with  them in tears. If you were convicted of falling short in the area of comforting, spend some time in prayer. Repent of any areas of sin. Ask for wisdom and discernment in areas of immaturity. Ask for help to grow and believe God’s gospel promises that He died for any sins you are convicted of and is making you (a process) complete in Christlikeness.

• God calls us to biblically comfort our children in hard times concerning the hard topics. He has given you everything you need in His word and through prayer to disciple your discouraged child’s heart well.  Biblical comfort looks a lot like “standing on the promises of God” as the old hymn states. Biblical comfort looks a lot like remembering who we belong to and what He is capable of. Biblical comfort looks a lot like remembering our future hope.

• In the next week, try some of the following ideas to help before, during and after comforting your children:

  • Before:

    • Pray for compassion and gentleness as you speak the truth in love.

    • Pray this Prayer of Comfort an excerpt from my free A Guide to Praying for Your Children in Suffering (click on the link for access to the whole guide):

      Heavenly Father, I lift up ________________(child) to you. You know how deeply I love him/her. I pray that s/he may know you as “the God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). May___________(child) intimately know that “nothing can separate” him/her “from the love of Christ” (Romans 8:35). May ___________(child) be aware of Your constant presence and that s/he is led and held by You (Psalm 139:7-12). May___________(child) understand that Jesus, too, suffered (1 Peter 3:18), and that He truly understands his/her suffering. Heavenly Father, may __________(child) perceive Your comfort, Your presence, Your love today.

    • Find a key Bible verse or two to talk and pray through with your child that addresses the subject you want to comfort them with. The verses in the above prayer might help or Psalm 23.

    • If this is a time where you need comfort too. Consider listening to a song like:

      Faithful by Sarah Reeves if you need to be reminded of who God is.
      Sweet Comfort by Sandra McCracken if you need your own time to grieve.

  • During:

    • Begin your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller), holding their hand, putting an arm around them as you talk with them. Create an atmosphere of intimacy and care. (If your child has different needs when it comes to physical touch, think on how they receive love well, and express it in that manner).

    • Listen to a worship song together, especially one that speaks of who God is, specifically, His presence and His sovereignty. Here are a couple:

      For younger kids: Here’s a worship song on Psalm 23.

      For teens, letting them know they can bring
      all of their hard to answer questions to God: Why
      God by Austin French

    • Pray with you child asking God to help you both be comforted. Invite them to pray, but don’t demand it.

    • Talk through your key verse or verses:

    • Read out loud or have your child read it.

      • One key passage you could work through is
        Psalm 23:

        • Here’s an animated poem explaining Psalm 23, simply for kids. My kids loved it.

    • Ask them what they think the verse or passage means.

    • Explain to them why you thought it would comfort them.

    • Ask them what area of their life they need comfort or encouragement in right now. Their area discouragement may not be what you thought it was or their maybe additional areas of discouragement.

    • Provide gospel hope in their area of discouragement. We often talk, in our home, about how God uses hard things to make us like Jesus and how there will be no more suffering in heaven. Dream together about what heaven will be like.

    • Acknowledge that when it comes to hard “why” questions, we don’t have all the answers, but we do have a God we can run to with our kids by our side. Go to Him together. Bring your emotions and doubts. He can handle it. He offers His presence during the hard times. We can trust Him when we don’t understand.

    • End your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller) and giving them a big hug.

  • After:

    • Check in with your child from time to time: ask them how they think they are doing. Ask them if you can pray for them when you see them discouraged.

    • Praise the work of God in them when you see them remembering God’s promises during this hard time.

    • Repetition is a huge part of parenting. Expect to go through this process more than once.

The next post in the Biblical Topics Toolkit will continue to walk through the Discerning What Our Kid Needs Series addressing how we can Biblically support our children in their weaknesses.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Help! How Do I Warn My Kid?

Discerning Our Kids Needs Series

Understanding the Concept of Warning in Scripture:

Last week, in 1 Thessalonians 5:14 we saw that Paul urge’s us to warn the unruly. The word unruly can also be translated as insubordinate or someone who isn’t following a rule. The idea behind this word is a disorderliness that looks like soldiers that are out of ranks. The word warn is also translated admonish or exhort in some Bibles. This warning is based on instruction that considers what the individual is doing wrong. It literally means “to put in mind” and could be translated caution gently.

Paul uses the word warn eight times in the New Testament. Those seven other uses of the same word help us get a clearer picture of what our warning should resemble. Here is a list of them with a brief explanation:

• Warning should be occurring regularly. In Acts 20:31, Paul does it “night and day.”

• It’s a “one another” command. This means, it’s something we do in community with other believers. (Romans 15:14 & Col. 3:16).

• Warning is not shaming others. Paul clarifies this in 1 Corinthians 4:14. The word shame here means to have no respect or regard for another. Within this meaning there is a sense that when our disregard or lack of respect occurs it turns the individual against themselves.

• It is an appropriate aspect of preaching and all Christians participate in it so that fellow Christians will be “perfect in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28).

• In order to be equipped to warn, we need scripture to “dwell richly” in us. It can look like worship in “psalms, hymns, spiritual songs” sung “with grace to the Lord.” (Col. 3:16).

• Warning is part of the role of leaders in the church. (1 Thessalonians 5:12).

• Warning is lived out with an attitude where we don’t look at fellow Christians as enemies but as siblings in Christ.(2 Thessalonians 3:15).

Evaluating Our Parenting Attitude:

1. Do I have a disrespectful or shaming attitude when I do warn that tempts my children to turn on themselves instead of seeing themselves as being made in the image God? (The difference in shaming and warning is that shaming communicates that a child is devalued because of the sin or immaturity they are struggling with. Warning, on the other hand, communicates a wrongdoing that is occurring in their life, and that trouble may lay ahead if the wrongdoing persists. It like the verbal version of a caution road sign that alerts us to watch out, take care, be on alert. There may be trouble ahead. We warn because, in love, we want them to navigate the potential trouble and not be harmed.)

 2. Do I warn with an attitude that promotes flourishing in the heart of my child so that they may be growing to be “perfect in Christ”? Do I warn helping my child to understand that growing in Christlikeness is a process?

3. Do I have a worshipful attitude towards God as I warn my child?

4. Does my heart display an attitude that regards my child as a fellow sibling in the body of Christ or does my attitude treat them more like an opponent or a villain?

Evaluating Our Parenting Methods:

1. Is warning a regular part of my parenting? Why do I think this is/isn’t occurring in my life?

2. Do I participate in warning as a community activity with other believers? Do I receive warning humbly through the preaching, leadership and fellow brothers and sisters of Christ in my church? Why do I think this is/isn’t happening in my life?

3. Is my warning of my children informed by scripture because I am regularly dwelling richly in His word?

4. Have I ever used worship songs as a tool to help to warn my children? Songs that show who God is and the importance of obedience or growth?

Bringing it Home:

• What has God put on your heart as you have learned what His word states about warning your children and others in your greater believing community? What has God laid on your heart in your self-evaluation of your parenting attitudes and methods when it comes to warning? Spend some time in prayer considering these two questions. Psalm 139:23-24 might be helpful to pray through:

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

• After, I read through the verses about warning, what came to mind was how Jesus interacted with others. He wasn’t afraid to be firm, and truthful. However, He was also gentle and compassionate. If you were convicted of falling short in the area of warning, spend some time in prayer. Repent of any areas of sin. Ask for wisdom and discernment in areas of immaturity. Ask for help to grow and believe God’s gospel promises that He died for any sins you are convicted of and is making you (a process) complete in Christlikeness.

• Often, we can go to two extremes when we warn: avoidance or harshness & condemnation. In the next week, try some of the following ideas to help before, during and after warning your children:

  • Before:

    • Pray for gentleness, firm and loving truth speaking as you interact with your child. Psalm 19:12-14 are great verses to pray through beforehand.

    • Listen to a song that praises who God is to orient you to whose rules/standards you are trying to uphold in your home. I often find that remembering who God is before I interact with others is helpful. This is a song that reorients my heart: How Great Is Our God by Chris Tomlin

    • Find a key Bible verse or two to talk and pray through with your child that addresses the subject you want to warn them about.

  • During:

    • Begin your time with your child letting them know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller), holding their hand, putting an arm around them as you talk with them. Create an atmosphere of intimacy and care. (If your child has different needs when it comes to physical touch, think on how they receive love well, and express it in that manner).

    • Listen to a worship song together, especially one that speaks of who God is. Here is a good kid version of How Great Is Our God (This has diverse elementary aged kids singing together, in various beautiful outdoor locations, and seasons. My kids like how they each write a different name of God on a chalkboard.)

    • Pray with you child asking God to help you both speak kindly and honestly with each other. Invite them to pray, but don’t demand it.

    • Talk through the key verse or verses you chose beforehand:

      • Read out loud or have your child read it.

      • Ask them what they think the verse means and clarify misunderstandings.

      • Explain to them your concern and warn them.

      • Ask them what they think in their life has caused you to be troubled about the subject you are confronting them on.

      • Provided gospel hope for the concern.

        • If an issue of immaturity: God promises to keep growing us to maturity in Him.

        •  If an issue of sin: God promises salvation to those who believe and to make us complete.

    • Pray with your child inviting the to join you.

      • If your child is convicted of sin, have them repent, asking for forgiveness (from God first and then later with others if their sin is a relational one), help to change with God’s enabling, and thanksgiving for salvation and God’s ability to work in us to make us more like Jesus.

      • If your child is not a believer, present the gospel to them, explaining that the sin they are/aren’t convicted of has been paid by the death of Jesus. Pray with your child for their heart & head understanding of the one time and continuous work of the gospel.

      • If your child is not convicted, but sin exists in this area of concern. Pray for conviction or agreeing with God about their sin.

      • If your child is struggling in area of immaturity, pray for wisdom, discernment and growth in this area.

    • End your time with your child letting the know of the great love you have for them. Consider: looking them in the eyes (possibly getting down on their level if they are smaller) and giving them a big hug.

  • After

    • Check in with your child from time to time. Ask them how they think they are doing in the area of struggle and if you can pray for them when you see it pop again.

    • Praise the work of God in them when you see growth in the area you warned them about.

    • Repetition is a huge part of parenting. Expect to go through this process more than once.

The next post in the Biblical Topics Toolkit will continue to walk through the Discerning What Our Kid Needs Series addressing what Biblically comforting our children look like when they are discouraged.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Help! I'm Not Sure What My Kid Needs: A Place to Start

Discerning Our Kid’s Needs Series

Bible Passage:

“And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be
patient with them all.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Bible Passage Overview:

As Paul closes his first letter the to church at Thessalonica, he gives some final instructions to the believers there in verses 12-22 of chapter five. This is a brief synopsis of what their one-anothering should look like. Earlier in the letter, Paul has addressed confusion over questions of what happens to believers after death and has tried to give them hope as they experience hardship. In this passage, he pleads with the believers at Thessalonica and instructs them as to what their community life should look like as a church.

He lays out a series of ways of responding to the needs of other believers. Some believers were undisciplined, disorderly, unruly or just plain insubordinate. The right response to the unruly is to warn them, to caution them gently, to counsel them against such behavior. The second type of believer is the one who is fainthearted, despondent, or has little spirit. The appropriate response to this individual is to speak words that calm, console and encourage them. The last category of believer is the weak. These individuals are without strength, feeble, and this infirmity may be physical or moral. The believer’s response to this fellow brother or sister in Christ is to endure or support. It is a very physical picture of cleaving to, or holding them, like you would a child who is learning to walk, allowing them to lean on you. The last command given by Paul is to practice patience with every type of believer. They are to blanket all interactions with those in the church with and attitude of perseverance that is slow to anger, long suffering, and does not lose heart .

A Prayer Of Discernment for the Parent in 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Lord, I ask for your help. I am struggling to know what ______________________ (Child) needs right now. I know that you know “the secrets of the heart” (Psalm 44:21); give me discernment with __________________ (Child). You know _________________(Child) completely (see Psalm 139). I need your discernment to train him/her in righteousness, so that I can respond as You would have me. Let me respond not react, so that I may not be ruled by my emotions, but by patience as the Holy Spirit works in me.

Is _________________(Child) in a rebellious state, not disciplined, disorderly, unruly, insubordinate? Give me wisdom, Lord.

Is__________________(Child) in a place of discouragement, despondent, small spirited? Give me wisdom, Lord.

Is__________________(Child) experiencing weakness, feebleness that is physical or moral? Give me wisdom Lord.

Is more than one of these above struggles at work, making this situation complex? Give me a mind and heart that knows ___________________ (Child), Your image bearer. What is s/he wrestling with right now?

How might I respond to_______________ (Child) to warn/encourage/support them? What will reach their heart, pointing them to gospel truth and hope?

(If more than one struggle is at work) Which struggle needs addressing first Lord?

Lord, give me wisdom and discernment as I go and speak to them now.

Young Hearts Knowing Truth

1. Read 1Thessalonians 5:14 with your child, explaining the 3 different types of struggles they could be experiencing (a rebellious heart, a discouraged heart, a weak heart or body).

2. Explain that we all need help understanding ourselves. Go to God together in prayer. Here is a prayer to pray together:

A Prayer of Discernment with Your Child

Lord, there is a lot going on in _____________ (Child’s) heart right now and it’s coming out in (tears/yelling/hiding/silence, etc.). We thank you God that You know everything we do and think, and You keep loving us no matter what. When we were right in the middle of our sin, You died for us. You didn’t wait for us to become better people first because we need Your help to change in our hearts. We cannot do it without You.

Lord, will You help us name what is going on inside ___________ (Child’s) heart. Thank you that we can be honest with You, and each other so that we can keep growing to look more and more like Jesus. Is ________________ (Child) not wanting to be like Jesus right now? Is ______________(Child) discouraged or wants to give up? Is ________________(Child) weak or weary and needs help? We know Your word tells us there is help for us no matter what is going on in our hearts. We thank you for Your help.

3. Ask your child which struggle(s) they think are in their heart right now. Ask them: what makes you think it’s that struggle(s)?

4. Share which struggle(s) you see in your child explaining what makes you think that is the struggle. Give them a chance to agree or disagree. Remember “be patient with them all” and ask your child to be patient with you as well.

5. Address each struggle that the two of you came up with by walking through a verse in scripture with them on that topic. (For help with responding to each need, see my next four posts in the Biblical Topics Toolkit of this Discerning Our Kid’s Needs Series. We’ll walk through how we can warn, comfort, support and develop patience when our children are undisciplined, discouraged or weak.)

6. End your time together in prayer.’

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).

Help! My Kid is Struggling with Stealing

Read the Bible Passage: 

“Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.” Ephesians 4:28 (ESV)

Bible Passage Overview: 

In Ephesians 4, Paul is challenging believers to live differently, specifically to not live as if they were not saved. In the immediate verses surrounding verse 28, he further insists, that part of what will change about the believer is their one-anothering, how they treat others, how they relate to people. 

That brings us to our verse, 28, where he confronts the thief to put off his/her stealing ways. Notice that there is no neutral behavior as a believer and that do not steal is not the end goal. God holds us to a higher standard than Christians being non stealers. In fact, Paul gives us the next right steps, if we struggle with stealing. First, we are to become an honest or useful and happy laborer. This takes time to become someone who works diligently and happily. This work ethic is character building. Building character take intentionality and sincere effort. Notice that while this type of character building is important and good, it is not simply a matter of replacing the bad behavior of stealing with the good behavior of working hard. It’s not simply a matter of stop stealing, be a hard worker and then spend your money on whatever you want—just don’t steal. Rather, after we have come to understand the value of hard work and earning money from it, we are urged to be givers. Our giving should look like us being aware of the needs of others and sharing what we have. So, at the heart of the issue of the one who steals is someone who doesn’t understand the value of hard work or sharing. This requires a change of attitude in the heart of the thief to one of discipline & diligence in their personal actions and compassion as they interact with others. The end goal is heart change that results in behavioral change. Ideally, we work hard and happily, we earn and honest wage, and we are aware of the needs of those around us and joyfully share from our earnings. God desires for the thief to be transformed into a compassionate, cheerful giver. This is what he wants for the heart of your child that struggles with stealing too.

Young Hearts Knowing Truth:

1. Read/have child read Ephesians 4:28 to you. 

2. Talk through the meaning of the passage as explained above, having your child answer these key comprehension questions:

   1. What does God tell us in this verse that He does NOT want us to do? (“steal”)

   2. What does God tell us in this verse that He DOES want us to do? (work & share what we earned from working)

   3. What is our work supposed to look like? (honest-this can also be translated useful, pleasant, happy, good and shows that what is going on in the heart of the individual matters)

Young Hearts Applying Truth:

1. Talk through these key application questions:

   1. Did you steal? 

   2. When you stole ______ was that wrong? (If they don’t know or don’t think it was wrong read Exodus 20:15 to clarify this/help them admit their wrongdoing).

   3. What did your stealing look like? (Have them explain the events that took place, do not interrupt or correct at this time. This will give you and your child insight into what circumstances are tempting to your child and will allow them to know they can talk to you freely and be heard).

   4. What were you feeling when you stole? What did you want/were hoping for in your heart and why did you want/hope for it? (This will give you and your child insight into the inner working of your child’s heart motivations).

   5. Did you get what you wanted? (Talk through the results of what actually happened vs. their perception—Was someone hurt (physically or feelings)? Was there an argument? Was any property harmed? This will enable your child to process that s/he may/may not have gotten what they wanted, but at what expense? This would be the time when you would make corrections regarding their side of the story so that they may face the reality of the situation).

2. Pray together. Have the child ask for forgiveness of the sin of stealing and any harm s/he may have done to any individuals involved. Have the child ask for help to change. Thank God for the forgiveness of this sin through Jesus’ death on the cross.

3. Have the child seek forgiveness from the individual s/he stole from.

Young Hearts Training in Righteousness:

1. Explain that you will work together to help your child with this struggle of stealing in the next week. Explain that just as athlete (pick a sport your child knows/loves) has to practice, build muscle and eat healthy to be good at their sport. We have to practice to be more and more like Jesus. This is called training in righteousness. Read 1 Corinthians 9:25 with your child.

   1. Have your child do an extra chore (different from any regular chores the child has in your family life). This is NOT a punishment. The child is learning how to be a good worker. Have the child do the work a few times over a week paying them for working diligently and with the right attitude.

   2. At the end of the week of completing this chore efficiently, have the child talk through their feelings and thoughts about the chore, and receiving wages.

   3. Ask your child what are some of the things money is used for (to pay bills, buy our needs and wants, give to others).

   4. Then talk through some charities (your church, etc.), or a person that is in need. Allow your child to pick the need and give a percentage of their earnings toward it. As much as possible, let your child be the one who literally gives—putting the money in the offering or donation jar or being the one to move and click the mouse over the buttons to donate online.

Tips & Clarifications:

• Remember this is not a punishment. This is training in righteousness. Use that terminology when you interact with your child. 

• Prayer and time are your friends in parenting. You will, likely, experience resistance on the part of your child. Pray with your child, asking God to change their heart attitude to desire to be like Jesus. Encourage them to pray too, asking God for help. Give them some time/a break to think and come back and try again, if you need to. Thank God together in prayer when their heart seems to soften, giving Jesus the credit for that softening.

• Training in righteousness is not about forcing a child’s heart to change. It may not. There will, likely, be much repetition. Our job is not changing the hearts of our children. Our responsibility is faithful planting and watering, and let God do the work of growing the good seed of the gospel in our children. (For more on this, see article: Parenting is Planting and Growing). 

• For older children, this may be a good time to discuss the concept of restitution (replacing someone’s lost or stolen property) especially if the stolen item is lost, harmed or ruined in some way. Also, you may want have the chore be that of the sibling (whom they stole from) to illustrate that our one-anothering (how we are to live in community together) should look like serving (Mark 10:43-45) not interacting with others as means of selfish gain, like stealing (Philippians 2:3-4).

• Expect to revisit this verse and exercises. Training isn’t a one-time deal. Parenting looks like telling the truth to our kids over and over again. Each repetition of the truth will encourage more understanding as their development continues.

*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).