You know that verse? The one you wrote out for each (able to read) family member to say out loud every time ya'll sit down to eat? The one that you've used to correct your children as they learn how to talk to one another? The one you've reminded yourself about as you're learning how to talk to your children? Yes, this one: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear" (Ephesians 4:29). You walk through the words in your mind regarding how you treat your family members:
Are my words corrupt (rotten, not fit for use, worthless, putrefied)?
Are they building up or tearing down?
Are they right for this occasion (what the individual needs to hear right now)?
Do they give grace to those who hear?
You are making an effort to apply, to hide God's word in your heart and help your kids do the same as you interact with each other. Then life happens and the truth of scripture meets the reality of your circumstances. The happy car ride to school where everyone is singing joyously, giggles come skipping out of their mouths, where they blow you kisses and say their "I love you’s" as they head into school, the sweet smiles of the one-year-old that you watch when you pick her up, the good news from a friend--all those things that fill your heart and make it beam with thankfulness as you now drive to drop off the littles at preschool -- are interrupted by screaming. Yes, screaming and crying!
You look back as little man has the scariest look on his face. You shout, “What is wrong? What happened?” over the noise because you cannot see his little body, just his head from your driver’s seat. You look at little sunshine and she is crying and gagging. This is when you realize as little man's hand is moving into view that there is Lucky Charms puke everywhere. In the chaos, you are tossing the car garbage bag you have in your front seat to little sunshine just in time as she tosses her cookies 4 times! 4 times folks! This followed by another wave of screaming and crying.
You mentally trouble shoot: Cannot pull over. Nowhere to pull over for miles. I don't have anything to clean up this mess even if I could pull over. Out loud you say as soothingly as you can to the kids, “Are you ok? It's okay honey, calm your body down. I know it smells yucky. Don't look at it. Look outside. Breath in slowly. Here's a tissue. Just wipe your mouth. I am going home as fast as I can. Don't breathe through your nose just your mouth. Slowly honey, slowly. It will be over soon.”
You drive home as fast as the law will allow. You do all the disgusting things while only breathing through your mouth, but you are still gagging. You peel off clothes, quickly bath, dry and dress little shivering bodies into warm, comfy clothes. You set up beds for rest and prep them for the continued inevitable sickness. You scrub car seats, van floors, pull off upholstered padding of said car seats and spray and toss them in the washing machine. Through it all is the self-talk -- the corrupt talk, the talk that doesn't build up, the talk that isn't helpful in this situation, the talk that is not giving grace to the hearer--and the hearer is you.
You stop suddenly as you are overwhelmed with truth. It’s the same verse that you have been touting around before your family for all of you to relate better to one another, that you’re are memorizing as a church together. Suddenly, there is a light bulb moment. This is also how you need to talk to your own heart. You bawl your ever-loving eyes out because you realize when the everyday kind of yuck of life is going on, you internally tell yourself, and let yourself believe the ungracious, the putrid, words heavy laden with discouragement. They are untrue words, words without hope.
I’m not sure where you are most tempted to hurl those corrupt words at yourself. Maybe, like me a few years back, when my youngest two were still quite little, it is when you find yourself unprepared and you feel like you should have known better. Maybe, it’s when you give into a temptation, give up on a goal, make a silly mistake, aren’t growing like others, or don’t have a single New Year’s resolution. Whatever the circumstance, those words are often untrue (or at the very least half truths) and they are words without hope. These are words that God would never say of you. These are not the words that the gospel says of you.
So, run to Him when you are weary, heavy laden and see yourself not measuring up in some way. He gives rest when you stop striving (believing that you are doing life on your own, and in your own strength) and are still before Him. The roar of your unsettled, anxious, angry and accusing thoughts quiets to the steady beat of His truth about you. Listen to His heartbeat for you: child, forgiven, saved sinner, delighted in, disciplined for growth, loved. Speak only words that your Savior would say to you.
Questions for Personal Reflection:
Putting Off Unbiblical Self-Talk
1. What circumstances do you usually find yourself in when your self-talk is unbiblical? Make a list of tempting circumstances.
2. What corrupt (rotten, not fit for use, worthless, putrefied) words do you say to yourself? Make a list of the worst words/phrases you use on yourself.
3. Do these words build up or tear you down? Another way we could vocalize this is: Do these words help you to grow in your relationship with God or prevent growth or encourage stagnation?
4. Are these words right for the occasion you find yourself in? Are they what you need to hear right now? Be sure to differentiate between needs and wants. For more information on discerning your spiritual needs see the Discerning Our Kid’s Needs Series link. The truths of 1 Thessalonians 5:14 apply to your heart too! There is a right truth response when your heart is unruly, despondent or weak.
5. Do these words extend grace to yourself? Another way that we can put this is: Do my words remember that God extends me favor, not punishment; forgiveness not condemnation?
Putting On Biblical Self-Talk
1. Read through what you’ve discovered so far about your unbiblical self-talk. Make a new list of your tempting circumstances.
2. Write a new list of words that are honorable, noble, pure, useful, worthy, and encourage growth to replace the corrupt words.
3. Do each of the words in your new list help you to grow in your relationship with the Lord? Clarification: What are we building up? The context of Ephesians 4 suggests a couple things. The immediate previous verses clarify that this command is how we should be treating our “neighbor.” The surrounding chapter clarifies that it is for the purpose of unity and previous chapters suggest that a new life in Christ will consider the body of believers. It appears, that there is a communal purpose for this building up—that we are in fact, building up the faith of the individual in God in the midst of community.
4. Do the words/phrases in your new list address the need you have in these circumstances. Find a key verse to help encourage words of truth in this area.
5. Do your new words extend grace to yourself understanding the difference between your human error and your sin? Extending grace to yourself means, you recognize sin and run to God for forgiveness from that sin as you repent. As you repent, you accept God’s extended favor, acknowledge that you do not live under condemnation, but freedom as God promises to powerfully work in you.
*Resources used for reference: www.blueletterbible.org (Including, Strong’s, Vine’s Expository Dictionary, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon) and the ESV Bible translation.